Nunca Muy Orgulloso Para Suplicar

Arrastrándome por limosnas, preocupado por algún precio fatal que se cobrara en mi corazón. Nunca tuve la decencia de dejar atrás a todo lo que me destruía - yo llevo un pedazo de cada memoria conmigo. Soy como Neruda, con veinte poemas sin titulo, deseando que escuchases a mis palabras y lo que te suplico. Mi amor, mi vida, no soy yo sin ti, y mas bien, no soy el mismo con tu ausencia. Mi corazón palpita como bailan las libélulas, y mis labios se sienten mas dulces con los tuyos, como azucenas en el verano. Coloreando las rosas negras en mi cama, pintándolas del color de tu esmalte, no quiero dejar atrás ningún detalle. Te quiero sentir encima mío, con tus palmas arrasando mi espalda y tu corazón complementando mi pecho (nunca esta completo sin ti - parece estar mas pesado a mi izquierda cuando no estás). Corazón de aerosol, te desvaneces con el agua y el jabón. Este es el amor de los travesías, el amor por el cual yo rindo mi espada y mi escudo y me lanzo al olvido. Nunca mas sin ti seré el mismo, y nunca mas sin ti podre vivir. Déjate crecer en mi corazón, por favor, ya que los colibrís ruegan por la oportunidad de mover tu mundo, tu corazón - el mundo que parece perder el tiempo cuando no estamos juntos, tu y yo.

Disintegration

I just can't find the words to begin to relay this haunting thought that's been ping-ponging in my head with anger and anxiety. Compressed memories and my own interpretation of words are absolutely destroying me from the inside out beginning with my heart. I've been drinking crocodile tears to sleep for a while now. It all begins in my head, raging inside and calling out. Laying under moonlight gives me an awkward sour taste. I used to have bravado at some point, but it's all the same; it's like the worst in me and you comes out in the worst possible ways. Why do these relationships fall apart? Is it my fault? I'd take back anything to have your embrace, fully, completely in the garage of a stranger's house "catching up" or so how they'd claim. Bring back the house parties, bring back the booze, bring back the memories that this town used to give to me. It's not the same. It's like I've grown (down) and everyone's the same. Not even I'm satisfied. Maybe I'm just afraid I'm everyone's pity fuck. I was laying with leaky eyes on a bar counter with salt on the small of my hand, begging for another shot (at you) and now I'm just laying on this keyboard begging for another shot (for him). What's this holiday cheer? Remember it's the summer in the southern hemisphere. No hot chocolate for me - I'm drinking half assed lemonades begging to be real. I'm worse off than you think. It's not kiss me kiss me kiss me as much as heal me heal me heal me. Broken cords and sunken nooses. I don't want this to be one of those "poor him" kind of things. I want it to be real. It feels like Xx again.

I need to get it out. I've been too far away from the crowd. I need the life again. I need the music. I need the words. I either release everything or I'm just going to die with the blood in my mouth. I need you to know how much I need you. I need you to tell me you need me, too. Tell me you need me. Tell me you love me. I'm so lonely without you.

Merry Christmas, KJ

Somewhere deep amongst my entrails I've found a beating patch,
carefully woven into me with endearment and care.
It's got me feeling like summer all over again.
I have my honeycomb heart keeping me alive,
only with sweet breaths of hope and infatuation
like a hot air balloon raised into the atmosphere,
towering high above the ground below.
Got Superman on the chokehold.
What's sobriety if only when I'm not with you?
What's love if not breaths whispering romantics in our hidden field of view?
(Hidden only without you)
I've been following the chalk outline,
breathing in all the leftover
at least to keep your absence as close to me as you would be.
I'm absolutely lost without you.
(If only you'd believe)
Front row tickets to where love feels like astronomy.
You're a nova, baby,
sugar sweet love crawling through my veins.
You're the sunshine pressed against my shoulder,
carving a memory with every oozy breath.
Slept in a pine box and woke up in a dream,
where every single second is a hope you're thinking about me.
Wake me up tonight with a kiss and put me again to sleep,
so even when I'm gone, at least I'll have you in my dreams.

Things Like These Are Only Taken Seriously By People Like Us

It's going to be hard to admit this, but sometimes words come out better written than spoken. I have this bad habit of always thinking I'm right. I try my hardest to sound smart, when in reality, I'm not at all. It's like I'm always trying to impress people. And then, I always treat people the best when we're merely friends. I always take a mindless blow to those I really love without any consideration. I'm not real. I'm just fake. Just like everyone else I hated. Always trying to argue, I've become the opposing team - always. I'm fighting those I love, pushing them away wearing my fake masks to please those around me. But even when I know that, how come I can't change? I want to be real. I want to be genuine. I want more than just a "suck it up and grow up" - I need a manual for this kind of life, but I guess they're never handed to us anyway. Things like these are taken seriously only by people like us. I'm not as wonderful as I'm made out to be; a child prodigy turned into a waste. I'm the spun out waste of my life's hopes. I can't get things right. I'm such a great liar that I can even convince myself. Have I gotten used to eating so much bullshit that I've just forgotten the rotten taste? I'm the world's greatest deceiver. I'm the world's greatest disappointment. I am just me.

There's nothing good coming out of this. Happiness subsides in my presence. I'm great at convincing people I'm great. I can't help it cause I love the attention. I'm just the flutter of a hummingbird's wings. I'm the last domino standing, tipping over the edge of everything I've built in my life. Sometimes I feel like I should leave this world with a bang, but I'm not even worthy. I just need to find someplace to hang on to, forever. I am so sorry to everyone, but no one believes me. You know you're a disaster when everyone knows you as Mr. Hyde and doubts you as Dr. Jekyll. I want to apologize but "sorry" just isn't enough. I need something new, deserving of those I love, those around me. There's no rockbottom in life until death, but I'm pretty damn close. I'm sick of corrupting everything around me.

I guess the bottom line is: I don't deserve anything I have.

Shooting Blanks

A thunderstruck heart weighs down my bed.
Your voice comes across like the perfect pitch harmonic
layering and complementing our surroundings. Your face,
calm and serene, with seemingly pearl skin
illuminates when you merely look my way.
You glance at the area and I scan for you,
nonchalantly attempting to maintain this
passport love to a minimum for I know that
I suffer from the world's greatest disease-
I fall in love too quickly.

You're the shutter in the blinds, the light headed
way to keep my cancers away.
I've never felt this way before.
I'm so enthralled
I am craving for your eyes
Inject your smile into my veins,
the visceral sight from my eyes to your way
I carry a heart like a mattress
spun around on the world when I'm alone at night
You are the street lights I hang on to
the fascination of a (crush)ed drug
I'm too sober without you

The flood is running through my body
cherry picking lives spread across the floor
with countless attempts to get the sweetness
and now I got it from you.
If only you knew.
If only you knew.

Someone Told Me

I write this open letter with salt spread on my keys,
to a former love that with one kiss, got me down on my knees
and I pray for forgiveness, or for just another heart
for a hit of anesthesia, to forget all this love
For the girl that taught me how to love
how to forget it all - come clean
reading your old letters
your words call out to me
drag through a broken time
and twisted memories
where life was all but timeless
and speeding through our dreams
and watching us grow
was the seed of love growing into trees

and I know that it's over
and my tears are just spilt milk
of a glass that held so much
but couldn't handle through the fear
cause the tremors never came
until the coffee turned to beer
and so we grew older
and our hands fit perfectly
like a kiss into ancient times
romantic memories
and I know that it's over
and I shouldn't be so down
but what if the purest love
is the one already found?

you were my reason for breathing
and believing love had a route
to follow through the space between our fingers
carefully devised by divine intervention
to fit each other like sounds,
the songs that built our lives
and pushed us out of any doubt

"On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand-chose
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore
Serait-ce possible alors ?"

Sharks Are Born Swimming

Where does the fault begin - with the cause or the effect? I try sleep with one ear against the pillow and my hand on the other. They say you don't want to sleep because reality is better than your dreams, but why can't I sleep now that I hate the life I lead? I see hands treading across skin like sand, slipping away into each other's shoreline, deep into the world's largest ocean of doubt. I'm following a thread into a spiraling turnstile locked before I'm allowed through. I'm cutting deep into your wounds, laying slits of salt with every kiss I lay on your body. How does a guilty conscience taste? There are currents in the ocean with more consistency than you.

My mind is my life's oyster. Preserve the distress and preserve broken hearts. Keep me high in my head. Let's stay medicated in our fucked up cauterized hearts as we smoke out the fog. Breathe in and breathe out. This is only the symphony my words created in your head. You're lying in the pain, bathed in every dragged out cigarette puff that your tender lips roll out. How does your conformity lay in the constant emotions as opposed to the carnal pleasures that reside in your lust? I hate myself more than anyone else because I just can't let go. Why can't I let go? Let's start over.
Let's start over.
Start.
Over.

"I may have your heart, but he has your body"

The First

september tremors call out the city
i found solace in my solitude
baby, why'd you go?
hide under the snow
ice covered lips
tumbling in the rain
and the morning will come
and take away all the rest
but what's to remain of what's not there
of what's been taken away?
some day my pain will rock you
how does your pain pass through?
with the wild world around us
our senate set the bar alone
"so did my game"
i'm starting to sound the same

backseat love
it's hard to focus forward
true love lays behind me
i spent more time turning around than ahead
i guess the past just led me to the right way
i strayed far away

the wolves will hunt me down
the wolves will tear me down
i'm just the scarecrow of your pain
can't you unhook the love that knows you the best?

these carpet burns left scars under my skin
for laying under covers with the girl of my dreams
the aftermath turned gold into lead
but is it still love if it's only in my head?

what has been lost?
just the pinnacle of it all
the corner of mouth that never knew worse
criss-crossing the bar divulging the intent of impression
i'm always alone without you

(un)Trapped

visceral space brews moonlit pain
back check on the scars that you've left
on the taste of the alcohol on your breath
the taste i never knew, but won't erase

they say i'm carved out of stone
romantic soprano
poet in a grocery store (romance)
all the words i know, but it ends the same
7-11 sounds more like sleep to me
maybe if you reach far ways
i'll let go of the scrutiny

sync into me
my words were the key
now they're the cage
trapped inside of me

whathappenswhenthecreaturesupersedesitsmaster

Lights Behind Her Eyes

heart like hummingbird wings
light crossing your eyes like the wind
i'm a mausoleum of thoughts buried by life
sink into it all, while i'm sinking within

champagne flowers and hanging stars
mirages of the sky
the lights behind your eyes
bless your iris
i hope you see it all

do you know what's life hanging from hope?
dazzled and spectating, spinning down the rope
of everything we come and pass
distance is just a selfish little brat

cut the chord and break through the mold
don't you think we're better off with our lips this close?
picture a mirror spinning out of control
cannonball into the unknown

sink into the wrong side of town
kick the bucket
spin life back around

Anxiety

Its so hard to walk with those chills that crawl up your spine and tense up your knees. It's hard to move on through trying to blind away from the (pseudo) truth. I'm locked away into the deepest of thoughts and memories, the lock stuffed with papers, boarded up and set away for the rest of my days. I just don't ever want to know what happens outside of my own little bubble. I knew I was a fool but I never would've guessed that I'd be sinking as fast as I am now. The distance is exactly what everyone thought it was gonna be. I'm sick and tired and I feel the blood around my head crawl back and pour down through the rest of my body. My veins are a beautiful thing.

I'm building a castle against moonlight hoping the waves will tear it down as fast as they can. The greatest thing of life is to destroy the most beautiful thing you've accomplished. Your secrets are pouring out, and the dam of my naive and negligent mind isn't strong enough to hold back. Sometimes reality likes to crash down as the very last star in heaven. If you will, please shut the windows cause this breeze is killing me.

I wish I could just blackout everything in sight and live in perpetual darkness. I don't need to see anything; my imagination takes care of the worst case scenario. I'm a walking catch-22. I'm hung onto to your words like you hung onto my clothes, crossing lips and treading the bedsheets with as much grace and poise as a wrestler. Your skin is tender and gentle, and I just want to remember the life I've been living at some other place at some other point in time. Is everything getting better, or getting worse?

As I slip into the sea of doubt, I cross the valley of shadow of where I came from. The past that turned me into what I am, who I've been. The core of the system. The mainframe that built itself on me. I got circuits running through my body. My veins are a beautiful thing.

I hope you sit and choke on the words you will never say, and I hope they slip out with all the secrets you've been keeping. if you open that mouth, they'll all come pouring out so just keep yourself busy (with him)

I know what's going on and you can pretend you don't, but alcohol only gets you as far as the next morning. You can't hide what you "can't" remember, and you will forever come down to me as the last broken tail light back home. You are the bleeding wallpaper, fucking tearing apart and breaking down on me, opening up the vulnerability of my self. You break me apart and destroy me. You are crippling me and sending me down.

This heavy heart is sinking, led away by the mirage of what we so call love. Take me away, and let me fall asleep as this kills everything. This bottle will keep me going, and will remain as the single molecular spec of hope I have in you. I am falling asleep in the memories of you spread across the bed, in every single place where I've laid my head next to you. In every moment I've let my heart slip out.

I want a single sign of hope and love coming down my way. I want to be guided by the pumping in my chest. I couldn't come up with pretty words for this. I need to be led by this keyboard I'm nervously smashing the keys in. Give me anything, anyone, cause tonight, she's everything.

I Just Met You And I Love You (Drunk Love)

I don't know who you are, but you have conquered my thoughts. Hair wrapped in flowers, white blossoms clear up the sly. Your hands are tight and consistent. Your voice is sweet and melancholic. Your breath smells of alcohol, and immediately it's like my brain triggers emotion towards that. Maybe I'm too drunk into my mind (and into my body) to think rationally like a rational human being (who is rational anyway? that is so 2004) but the necessary conversions from pain to love are taking place right inside my head. Is this what true love feels like? I sit and wonder, eyes closed on the keyboard. Lay your eyes on me. Lay your memory on me. Remember me and think of me and see me again. I want to sink into you so deeply that there is no way to rid yourself of the scar. I want to hurt so much it feels good. I want to be the neverending cycle of true love, the pain and love that make you miserable and the happiest ever. I don't know who you are, but I sure as hell know one thing.


This isn't love, but this is a crush. This is a mirror image of the reflections my heart is conceiving. You are the ultimate epitome of something unreal, something overexaggerated, something fabricated. You are you. You are the pain and everything in my life. You are the most wonderful aspect of the pain that stings me when I look at the past. You are the overwriting statement clause of something that shines upon me. You are everything. You are. That's the ultimate part. You are. You are. You are.

Distance makes me sick of love, but makes me fall harder. Think of me. Dream of me. Believe in me. You're all I think about and you're everything. You conquer me. Can I conquer you too? Ultimate drinking thoughts. Ultimate pain.

Baby, baby.

Relapse.

That's just all that I can say right now. I slowly wither inside. I've gone on and on and backwards and I always wind up turning in circles and going back to memories of you. I wonder if you spend your time rotting inside like I do. Your breath caressing my ears while your voice slowly sighs and moans into mine, whispering something gentle and tender. "I love you" I can still vividly remember everything, even though I'm sure these two years have really taken a toll on your memory. Oh baby. "No denying, you're the habit that I can't quit" Right now everything screams of you, which is off considering that I haven't seen anything in that way since it hurt. Oh first love does hurt, it really does. Three years, baby, three years.

It's really hard to say where and when it all started, but the first official contact of everything is what I remember. When I saw you, I swear that I saw angel come into the room. Eraser shavings covered my desk, and it's all childish how I remember, but then again it really must have been even more childish than what I recall. I remember how it all just happened so quickly, and three weeks later, you had to leave. Despite our age you asked me "What about us?" Well, what about us? We were young and shy and free, and in sixth grade. What about us? I can tell you that the year after that was horribly lonely considering how you never did anything wrong. That's the issue with crushes, when something unexpected ends the connection, you begin to idealize everything in your head. Every aspect is so much better than you remember. Hair looks finer, eyes look wider, faces smoother. Everything. I began to accept this and you came back two years later. I swear you were an angel. I never saw anyone as pretty as you.

September 1st is when it all began "officially" right? I never told you this, but this is as early as I really begin to remember. Not that I don't remember any earlier than that, I just choose not to. I never felt any purpose or drive until I had you. The pain of it is that I just never got comfortable. You were the girl every guy wanted to be with. Why did you choose me? I don't think even you know this answer, but it is what it is. Nevertheless, excitement was pouring through my veins, like some sort of epiphany crashing into my heart telling it to just hold on and never let anything get in the way. September 8th is when it all really began. I remember sitting to your left, with your head laying on my shoulder. I would always get worried you weren't comfortable and I'd wish that my bones were so much softer so you'd be happy with me. I had tried to rehearse this in my mind a million times but I would have never predicted things turn out the way I did. Our smiles crossed and I never felt so ascending in my life. My blood began to rush and my legs began to shake uncontrollably. My chest was pounding on through, I swear everyone around could feel the trembling of my heart. My head began to soar and that is when I lost my mind. I know at that point that I had never in my life ever felt that way before. We called it "the feeling," but now I know what it really was. It was love.

What we lived through nobody can take away, no matter how much time passes by or how many people will come into our lives. The next three years were most definitely some of the most memorable years in my life, to say the least. This is only the beginning that I am remembering and my heart begins to sink in memory of a love I once knew and taste so well, but now have lost trace of. Why is it that I always begin to remember you when I miss home? Memories of little deaths in the living room. Bedroom floor love, and carpet burn kisses. I don't know if it's me or just my fear to say it, but I always know that every chance I get, I remind you. I love you baby, I love you. I'm sorry for how everything turned out. Remember what you would say to me baby, remember what you would say when I'd ask you

"Will you still love me in the morning?"

"Turn down the lights. Turn down the bed."

Cross your brain and pray for rain. The city came down today.

My stomach turns and my voice cracks and I damn the distance set between us. Only the keys and the tubes connect us now, for if these were different circumstances I'd lose every aspect of you. At least I get to hear your voice, but phone calls don't take the heart home. Imagine yourself on the cab rides, holding hands and intertwining in a viciously rewarding attempt for replacement, but lust can't cover what the heart once fulfilled. That void made can't ever be filled, or at least that's what I've learned through my short years. Granted my age is young, but my pain is large and this keyboard has had a shoulder for me to cry on more times than I'd like to admit.

This was only for your fairy tales.

Hell, I love nothing. Dropped an arm and faced away from the sun. I'd like to die alone to avoid all these lonely colds. Winter love embraced me and left me. Wide-eyed browns had their eye on me and let me go. Carpet burns only last for so long. We're blessed for a second and then we're only hoping for the lurking scent of my dying rain. I was going away for the last time to come back for the first time. Rings on my eyes and a hole in my chest. I'm dying and unsent. Cherish, and sing me to sleep. "I am alone in my defeat." These airways and planes have no understanding or care for pain. Cannonball into the unknown.

I'm sticking onto you, like an ice cube to a tongue. These are all the words that you wish you sung. Life was only ready to begin. Anxiety dying onto me. Joy is so hard to reach when you're an airplane away from the ocean that your tears have made. I'll swim if there is no other way. I miss you more when I see the sunset because I can imagine the tease that the moon must feel; finally getting a simple peek of the sun before it disappears again. I don't ever want you to disappear again. Holding on gets harder when the distance is stretched into the horizon. "I'd follow you into the end of the world, my love"

Falling in pain again. The porcelain skin laid out on the counter like a clock that has the time wrong. Timing is everything, that's something that one must learn. The time tricked us. This distance split us. Now my heart is stretching miles of distance to get an answer. I don't have my mountains anymore. These plateaus are as shallow as a bed.

(Pilot, pilot, please help me, I think I left my heart on the other side again...)

(15) Days

Somewhere in the residue of my mind lays something dark and destructive. I guess I'd call it a grudge, but it feels like so much more than that. Ringing around my fingers like some sort of malicious epiphany crashing through the ceiling, it reveals to me every hidden part of every memory that lays in my mind. It mostly comes at night. Never able to commit to anything. Multiple dagger wounds multiply through every inch of my body like little army ants crawling up onto me. I've lost count of all the times I've crashed. "Everything that goes up must come down" C'est la vie.

But you, you were the climatic uprising of something in my heart. Every moment and every breath had you in it. Breathing in and out, crushing on you like a drug, you were vicious and corroding, poisoning me with every word and touch. I think I know your fingertips better than I'll ever get to know myself. Two AM lovers. Too much for a little, but too little for a lot. One foot out the door, always. Reaching over for my cellphone, transitioning between hearts and keys trying to keep my composure but it's too hard. Sometimes we just fall right back into our old habits. It's almost shameful that it slipped. We slipped. So why is it that something that was so bad, so destructive, so painful, so wrong got to me in such a way? I understand you always want what you can't have, but the appeal came from the fact that this was a symbiotic love, where the texture of your fingertips would slowly caress mine, like smoke signals, hinting love, but never claiming it explicitly.

"If you really wanted to mess me up, you should've gotten to me earlier"

"Could it last?" I watch from afar as you move the room - an incision cut open and stitched away at will. "Could it last?" I move, but my steps have begun to feel too heavy for me, and suddenly the mere distance that we once had now feels like I'm connecting flights to get to you. "Could it last?" I ask, and I position myself in some sort of angle away from you - an angle that allows me to see you without you witnessing me watching you and wanting you and wishing for you to just turn for a split second and just, even for a moment, want me back. This crowded room gives me no company. The echo of my footsteps traverses through my ears and back out, like a merciless reminder of how alone I really am.

I smell the scent of winter love breathing onto me from you, as you pull me closer and tie your fingers around mine. The way your eyes look spell out that I'm yours. Tear my world apart with your guiltless hands; I have given myself up to you for now. You scrape me against your heart, and my heart races through. Blood boils. Eyes clash. I never noticed how your eyes seem to gleam when we're this close, but of course, we're not really as close as I think. The tension has me hanging like a dancer on a rope. I'm treading on thin ice. I'm drowning in shallow water. I'm slipping onto you like sand. I'm just a time bomb, waiting to explode, and you're here holding me like some sort of treasure or prize. It's a shame your eyes say "I love you" more than your lips ever would.

Our love is like watching an eclipse; excitement pours out the moment we begin, and progressively the beauty intensifies, attracting attention with a glowing opaque outline. Opaque. Just like us, impossible to retrieve or maintain. Then, we slowly begin to fall apart and suddenly, we're petering out like the leftovers of a thunderstorm. The dew in my eyes is all that remains after your rain.

Sooner rather than later, the high tide of emotions that flourished randomly and almost sporadically calmed down, and left me stranded in the middle of an ocean of doubt and insecurity. Your presence was nowhere to be seen, and your silence told me more than anything you'd say ever could. Now all I got left was a scar made by the toying of my stitches, by messing with an open wound that was never meant to happen in the first place. Papercut love.

As I lay under the sheets, my heart finally reaches a point of balance, allowing the oxygen I'm breathing in to circulate my body. My mind still races at the thought. Congratulations, you've earned yourself a place in my memory.

Rapid Transit Dreams

true love lays with hummingbird wings
fluttering like the hearts and their beats
only love gives me the best kinds of rings
bless my one knee - like a knight to its king

wide eyed browns sink my heart into the ground
earthquake heartbeats, surrounding sounds
lights flirt in the sky
turning clocks and pausing time
can we make one night last the rest of our lives?
your hand in mine
angel dust
floating up above
so full of love that my heart's going to crush

how can you forget what can't ever leave?
minds racing like rapid transit dreams
fear transcends my body while it's tearing at its seams
hold my heart on your chest
i promise not to leave

Sora

Songbird sing
songbird fly
these hammers and strings
will write you a lullaby
blossom in the sun
the sand crawling on your skin
songbird is at home, where she deserves to be
i'm high above
you're down below
but these words and melodies
will have me heard
baby wind blows me away
it's always spring when you're with friends
home is where the heart is
and you wear it on your sleeve
let the whole world hear you sing

"Já sei namorar
Já sei chutar a bola
Agora só me falta ganhar"
winning and losing
double standard all the way
lullabies that will never end
the whole world is at your end
lost but always looking ahead
songbird fly
fly away
the laces of monotony that were wrapped around you
they have gone away
a cord at last remains
dreams are treaded
and lives are bred
the breaths you've stolen
only they remain
surprise the world once again
no one has heard you
and once you start
you won't stop again

songbird fly
songbird sing
stretch your golden records for wings
(we'll teach the world how to live)

(This is for you. I probably shouldn't have to tell you, but you'll get everything once you read it. "Eu falo portuges")

Forever Ago

songbirds live to tell their dreams
nothing I can't do that my guitar won't sing
got transfers in my head
lost love
got lost ahead
friends in high (and low) places
and places with strangers for friends and
sing me a song baby,
but make it natural
flow through the youth and their disorders
they mess with my words.
the love of my life is in front of me
but my hands are too cold
(my feet are too)
to say this is bittersweet is a misunderstanding
to say i expected this would mean i'm not crying
sighing
i'm dying inside
it feels like winter is in my mind
(i'm heading home)
but if home is where the heart is
i've been home all along
place a final shot in my head
(like the ones i had in a dominican bed)
more beaches and less lights
and me and my guitar
it's all right
sing away songbird
fly free and sing in
don't let anyone let you know you're less than what you are
you're a star looking down at us in the gutters
stretching spare hands
heart broken like my knees
(falling down is so hard)
i need more drinks
i need to find my mind
(sometimes i just want it all to rewind)
baby teeth won't ever grow
we're a memory carved into stone
lay your feelings into the ground
don't let your tears make a sound

Xenthic

Every stage in your life is composed of your "big day" to serve as a rite of passage to move onto the next phase. The sharks and the thieves got me bent in the wrong way, but I'm finally seeing straight.

Graduation.

What will life ever mean to me once I'm let loose of the nest? Got birds ringing my ears like telephone lines that connect through all of us sending one deep message: it's over. Time passes by and we're slowly rising up to meet up the delicate women of destiny. I got smoke coming down my chest, my tired heart beating on looking on. "Life is what happens when you're busy doing other plans" Time slithered down my throat and spilt my guts onto the floor. I can't begin to describe the decomposition that my body is suffering. My hands shake, my voice cracks, my throat dries up, and ultimately, my heart weighs me down. Rush on through, break the mainframe. Baby girl got my head locked up in chains. Blue bird sinking into the sun. You're on my head like the tassel on the date of the end. 'Till everything tears us apart.

Break even and set off. Firework eyes crying away the remaining love. We were the last legacy to be left off in this deadbeat town. I can't promise to make any sense but to you and me and everyone involved. Overblown. Cryoplasty to my brain. Mr. Freeze lost his head. Signing up for a lease that will never cease. Fuck, I can't make words make sense any more than they do now that it's the end. The fear never matched up to this. Medication is all I need. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop(pa) loves me more than the new wave underground. "Wake up Mr. West" careful, don't awaken the rest. Thirty minutes to rest before the ceremony begins to end. Living life to the fullest, at least 'till the end. (I can) see the finish line. Nothing else matters but the rest.

Give and take and give and take and give. Never owning more than what it is. No words can begin and no silence and end. The limbo of the pain. Never asleep and never awake, my head is my own bed. My pen lost it's mind again. Cease and resist and built upon the achievements that we have missed. We're only the change. (Sarcasm needs it's own font in the web) Bled love and cried ink, stained my whole bed. It's a library of words and shapes, but now nothing else will ever matter the same. Fingertip strife. What key to type?
I'll be sleeping in a foreign bed for the rest of my life.

Xenthic.
No one understands us better than us.

"I guess this is my dissertation, homie this shit is basic. Welcome to graduation."

Good morning.

Hurt

Goddamn. I hear the resonance of my broken heart vibrate through my voice as I slowly let go of everything that built my constitution. The taste of the alcohol in your breath should've given you away long before I gave it all a chance a again. I slowly decompose, my heart melting, the anger boiling within me and breaking me apart. I'm caught in a landslide. I slowly take a puff out of a cigarette - the only loyal lover who never trades lips. "Why do I give myself away?" I ask in vain; God has left me here, alone and tired, for time to consume me in my pain. I never thought I'd give into you again. I look into the night and slowly the stars immerse me in a clichéd nostalgia that brings me back to a night that isn't that long ago.

"What happens after this?" you ask, and I slowly wither inside of myself. What can I respond? "It's your call (Listen to me, I love you like you wouldn't believe, I can make you happy and you deserve better. Please give me your breath and lets cross smiles, at least for old time's sake) Honestly, it's all up to you..." My words always sound better in my head. Locked lips like sinking ships, tied up to an anchor that will never bring me back up to the surface. Comfort remains lying to me, telling me it's all just fine. The tears start to surround my heavy heart, as if to embrace the naive and starry-eyed fiasco that it has set me to. They know better, but I haven't ever.

"I miss you" I hear you say "not even this physical aspect, but everything in general" You don't need to lie to me, doll. I should know you better than to listen to anything you have to say. Four drinks down and my conscience takes a walk. (Be back in twenty) (I never needed you anyway) My heart palpitates and rushes on through, breaking my walk and slurring my speech. I stutter on through, trying to move everything, and all I can hear is my subconscious scream out to me the regret that will ever so bitterly embrace me. We're lost and confused. We're the worst kind of lovers. Deja vu all over again, doll.

breakmebreakmebreakme

I've been asked what's wrong with my brain, what's wrong with my heart. When will you realize that I only embrace the hurt, the excruciating sting that repeatedly brings me down, because the masochist in me knows that all you have left for me to love is your absence and your pain? You are tearing me apart. You are breaking me. I'm so overdramatic and lost and broken. Break me baby, I want to feel my heart break because I don't ever want to lose you or ever get rid of your scent (or your pain) you have twisted me and know all I feel is your dagger spinning in my stomach, twisting and turning and breaking everything I've ever known.

Fuck everything, I never know how to be me anymore.

"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel..."

Illimani

Car-crash doors are the new suicide
slamming pieces half awake
caught mid-escape, trying to run away.
kisses in the lips of the so called "friends"
last time i checked
friends never locked up so well.
you got eyes wider than my screen
and lips softer than a summer day's breeze
love me harder than your hate could be
i want to die from the disease that you conceive
inside your head
every word i say
has already been said
past-tense love standard.
a million fireflies
and stickers in the sky
it's getting harder.
can you love me as much as the guy in your head?
can you ever remember or mean half the words you said?
i guess loving is truly harder done than said
i'm sick of staying awake planning revenge
and the high class cafe shop caught me underhand
your words are smoother than puppeteer's hands
crash mirror crash
i want a window to land on my hands
and break them all to death
so i can never type again.
every other word has you in it
and falling apart has never been so hard
big baby go get it, get what you came for
taking is a burden that i just didn't ask for.
lover forlorn
sicker than the nights in the altiplano are cold
(i always feel alone)
i seek out to the lake inside
the salt flats cleanse out my mind
this nation's got my hands all tied
to a world of judgement and prejudice around.
the mountain speaks to me
it lost its head
it lost it all, naturally
call me out, baby snow
tidal waves are never colder than cold
the giant standing in the row
we're the epitome of the loss love
and gain of lull.
giant escalation and proof of pain
proof that deception can only hide away
so much for a day
but that if persistence remains
things won't ever be the same
cause the top of the mountain
is the starting point, again.
your love is worse than the government they elect
a direction more corrupt than a small-time governor's bed
i'm sick off my tears
the salt spilt on my bed
sometimes i just want to disappear
and wake up on the other side instead.

"...Like there's nothing left"/Mixtapes

I was born diseased and undead
Got words crossing my head like tidal waves
I'm sickly composed of everything
that you ever wished not to dream
Blackjack lovers
"Only 21 and above"
Keeping it still
like a running mill
Don Quixote took the pills again
Fight it all
they can't stand it
they can't hide it
Got blood on my teeth
redefining poker face.
always looking for trouble in all the wrong places
well i finally got it right
speak to me by yourself
quoting you is always quoting somebody else

nightly blues
only bold times ahead.
I rip-off the copy cats
does that make me an original, instead?
nine lives later i'm just as lost
maybe time fell apart
maybe our lives are a loss
cracking skin and cracking glass
broken mirrors
bad luck spread across
the bed is the only place i feel safe
(i still smell your scent)
you left your hair in my pillowcase
and your make up smeared on my face
you whispered in my ear
"give it to me like there's nothing left"

snap my neck and don't give it back
blueandblackblueandblack
woke up feeling tired and alone
and fuck the sun
i'm tired of everyone
my tooth isn't the only thing that chipped
or snapped
(was that was your eyes blinking
or just the sound of a broken heart?)
the sequel to the start
ground zero for all the stars
leather love (tough as leather)
baby blossom lost her mind,
floating like a feather
fall apart baby girl
like the constitutions of my heart.
------------------------------------------
you're so high off the pain
you won't feel a thing
and you won't ever know
things can't ever be the same
so even when you sing
the words were carved in stone
maybe i'm supposed to love you
but nothing is ever for sure
(my voice is the only tone
that i want to be ringing in your ears
for the rest of your life)

explode supernova, and be blown
rise high above me
and quote your favorite songs.
just like you do
my chemical romance knows your feelings
better than you seem to
take back sunday and leave your confessional
in the dashboard, high above the pedestal
pierce the veil - i'm a sinking ship
brand new love
don't let anything else make a sound
"...sugar we're going down"
we're not all killer klowns (directing it all)
so leave it all around
lost and found, glaciers and isles
they were never mine
can we just lay in peace, and in time
i'll be as cinematic
as your favorite sunrise.

(Midnight blues. don't mind anything i put here. will probably revisit this nonsense and cut the crap. i'm too tired to move or press a key to change it all)

Behind the Sea

Regret is more of an aftertaste than an impact. The moment you let loose and realize what has changed in your atmosphere, that's when it kicks in. What's a worse pain than knowing it ended? The past is laminated and set behind bars of pain and longing. It's impossible to ever fix anything; it's only possible to make up for mistakes. I wonder if you ever spend half as much time as I do just thinking about everything that has come and go. Sooner than later, I'm gone and everything is turned into stone. Mark the days in the calendar with a kiss each - don't make me feel forgotten. Rise and fall. Rise and fall, baby. I'm broke from love, a crack in my empty shell. Diamond eyes and ruby lips embrace my heart, illuminating my every step into uncertainty and doubt. I lack zeal to live it through.

lovemelovemeloveme.

Can you hang onto the rope for me? I'm busy handling my other problems. "'Till death do us part" is kind of a ridiculous statement, isn't it? Life is already ripping me into pieces. I scribble words and carve them into trees. I camp away with the devil, and I live my life in past-tense. I've been half of what I've always been ever since. Remember how the cement screamed out your name? Let me in for one last time, and I gave away my heart (and my soul) on the back of your car. "That's enough" No, it isn't baby. No, it fucking isn't.

Admittedly, this isn't the way I should be reacting, but I live to see you illuminate your spotlight eyes and smile like a honeycomb falling in love. You're the sweetest of dreams, the vast landscape of a poet's love - the true meaning to "understatement." I hate how you make me feel. So much for "wonderwall" I only project my arrogance to hide from my shortcomings. I've had my heart broken more times than all the sunken anchors at the bottom of the sea. Why did I give myself away? Give me lighter, I need to light a path. I need to move past this, or forget it all together. Maybe if I let it loose. Maybe if I let loose.

"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand"

Encore

I pour my feelings out to the keys
your velvet lips caught my eye again
maybe I won't ever get past it
Got a thousand words in a flurry
and a moment lost in a blur
It's funny how it all works out
would you ever feel the same?
I'm a heartwreck after another
It's all in vain
I live to hear you say
that you love me and things will
be back to their old ways
but sometimes that's not enough
(when have we ever been enough?)
and all I got left is your lull
Project Mayhem on the runways
and a heart like the sun
I don't want to be a secondhand lover
when I was your first time flame
i want to lift you up like in dirty dancing
give me a moment
i'm moving back all i was advancing
soon it's all pain, and moreover
it's all crimson and clover
so now all that's left to do;
tell Baby when it's over
cause nobody puts Baby in a corner

(i still remember trying to rise you up.)

Timebaby

I turn on the speakers to get out of the zone. It's probably the only thing that's as comforting as your voice. I visualize purple hills keeping away the sun, something not quite as cinematic as it resonates in my head. I heard your voice the other day. It's good to know that deep inside of your skin, caught inside the landslide of you, you still believe - although you've pretty much given up on love and religion. Or maybe you're just afraid, and doubting everything affects you as your remain alone in your sickness. I want time to sink into the rearview mirror so things will always be closer than they appear. I'm always fast-forwarding through the motions so I avoid getting lost in the chemistry. What's worse - the fact that you destroyed my heart and I picked up, or that you regret it all and wish you could go back? Three weeks baby, that's all you'll ever have.
I never thought that it would all come down to four months. I slowly glance at the time to see that it has bailed out on me. Not even the minutes appreciate my stay. I'll be sleeping in a foreign bed for the rest of my life. Nothing tastes quite like home. Give me a lighter and I'll light the way. I'm a rocksteady paper plane. Cut me up with scissors.

Sooner than later, I'll learn not to love verbatim. I never received the memo that romance is dead- I thought we only kept it hidden from the mainstream audience. I slowly crawl out of bed and lay down the keyboard. It should never be this way. I subsist on words and you subsist on my tears. I hate knowing that you'll always drown out my fears. Why have I let you in? Speed up time, or black out the rest. I'm sick of experiencing this first hand. My family life is going down as classy as the Titanic. Give me an escape or just forward time. I don't want to relive. I have enough pain for a lifetime.

As Coldplay takes over the mix, I have nothing left to do but to listen to the grandiose nature of sounds surrounding me. I sink into December again. The cold air brushes my skin lightly and suddenly it all rains back to me- remember the rain and how the concrete called out your name? Nothing will ever be as sincere as the pain you hung over my head. Fuck poetics and fuck understanding. What did they ever get me? I'm sick with apprehension, and your eyes are a night sky on their own, mirages of the desert that lays past them. Paste your lips onto me. I want to die from you. Do you regret? "My nerves are poles that unfroze" but my heart is as cold as stone. "And if you love me, won't you let me know?" There's always a lack of honesty coming from confessions derived from the head. It's all about the heart. "I don't want to be a soldier who the captain of some sinking ship would stow, far below." I only want to be the anchor, so I can sink like all of my hopes. Listen baby, as the everlasting moment of time where your heart will tell you the truth that your head won't ever be bothered to believe. The burden you'll carry won't ever be as heavy as my heart. Take me apart. I want you to feel what it's like to get stuck in your head, where your thoughts speak louder than what's going on outside of it. I'm sick of being misled by your actions. I'm sick of playing games. Lights out and turn on the radio. The utopia lies within it. I'm a broken shell, covered in sand and laid out to be forgotten. Make a wish and throw me back into the sea. Horseshoes never meant a thing to me, 'cause "almost" never got me anything. Is it really a mixtape if all I have is one song? Is it ever really right when the whole world tells you you're wrong? Is it ever really love if you move on as fast as your hips? I listen ahead, the song repeats over and you come into mind.

"If you love me, won't you let me know?"
"If you love me, why'd you let me go?"

Like Tupac and Biggie

Full moon anchors up ahead
A well-lit love spread across the bed
Laying near with the thoughts in head
Better left than the words never said

Blackout and back into me
Sink into this
and fall down slowly
Blackout and back into me

Slow down and speed up ahead
Living open like a book unread
Are we coming undone, are we lost again?
Living death is easier than dying to live

Like Father, Like Son

What's worse than to be a miserable failure after another?
Live life in love with one's self instead of some other
than you, which is what I've always loved.
My lips are tied onto words I wish I never spoke,
because they took me somewhere down under without any rope.
What's worse than to lose all of your hope?
Knowing deep inside of you, there is an underground
seeking out for the loss and the pain in sounds.
And so it begins;

Dear Dad,
It's been far too long since you've been gone,
frankly, these words may trip and may sound wrong.
I harbor too much and sink much too often
the love of my life is often wrong and
maybe you were right,
but that's a story for another time.

Dear Dad,
Things are just the same since you left,
more pain in my chest, and weight in my head
but nevertheless we've always been the sinking anchor
waiting for the full moon to cover up ahead.
Three years in your dirt bed,
Where have you gone?
I've been misled.

Dear Dad,
I haven't done this in forever, and I apologize for that
I simply feel to much pain to remember
and I can't figure out any poetics to cover
the heartbreak that you have caused.
Maybe some day I will, but I can't think I might
cause my words lack rhythm, just like my body lacks tact.

Dear Dad,
I hope you're proud, singing from above
a melody of angels
a melody of love
one for the ages, and one for the land
one for the ocean, and one so I can
sing along, and never feel out of place
so our fucked up family life
will never be the same.

Dear Dad,
The pain is the same, maybe I'm to blame,
but can people ever change?
I miss you too much, and lying on the grass
six feet above you
ringing ears like the ones around my eyes.
Lack of sleep = lack of tact
lack of simplicity under hood of their lies.
Why'd you have to go?
The wind calls out your name
but it doesn't sound the same
the pain remains and I'm pouring rain
to make your flowers grow.
Living cemetery, that's what you'll become
Flourished life,
of what once was, but now is gone.

Ears Ringing Like My Eyes

loaded guns and sinking ships
we're like burnt out cars on the city ring
burning rubber without a care at all
do you remember?
do you sit alone and wonder
to be forever in doubt
forever in pain
forever in him
these words sink into your skin
like the teeth in your kin
blood and sweat off your plastic cup
drowning is easier than it is to love
sick and distorted in midnight growls
your roses are sticking with petals on the prowl
where have you gone?

lets get sick off each other
i want to stick onto your hair
forever, like smoke, follow you there
into the dreams and hopes you left behind
when your lips crossed over to another side
are we constantly left over
or are we over since you left?
when all i feel is crimson and clover
i can't be bothered by the rest

with so much love, it's hard to feel blue
knowing deep inside of me
there's a huge part of you
look into the mirror and fall back outside
where books read forever
and we're escaping without a ride
thunderstorm and run away
and now i'm crawling my guts over
what's left of my heart inside
these words cracked my lonely cover
and i'm feeling you up alright

hate me baby
i'm a riot in start
i'm a sinking ship
with the anchor too far
down
into
your
eyes

are we ok, or will we just let this die?

Dated 2008

i found your green eyes staring at me and i sunk in.
do you know how good it feels to be blessed within?
i never thought i'd feel this way.
you are a million miles away,
but you appeal to me in so many different ways.
will you still love me when you return, will we still be the same?
texting hearts like no return,
your voice is the sweetest sound i've ever heard.
red rover red rover
i think i'm falling over you.
give me a moment or send me to bloom.

Relapse/Moan/ihavetoomanywordstodescribeyourlove

Your heart is not a grenade, it's a land mine.
Snap me out like a photograph this time
Hanging on your love or bated breath
Your love/words are more than I can take
Sleep well and see you gleam.
Moonlit love - I see you in my dreams.

Open Letter

Dear doctor,
please let me in
hospital doors flapping
like the dove's wings
give me love through the IV
or give me something to sink in
I want a love to dive in
a romantic with whom fit in
so cut me up or fix me up
it's all the same
give me medicine or just be blunt
tell me if the pain will remain
or if it will ever go away

Dear life,
I think I made a mistake
I wrote down words that I shouldn't have ever said
you can tell me I'm wrong
or just bury me away
but the truth still stands;
what's done can never be taken away
and what's with the pain anyway?
give me love or give me freedom
the polar opposites of today
I can sow a heart together
but can't seem to fix my own
I guess I probably should've known
you can't ever operate yourself
we all need someone else to take a look at our bones.

"I need a doctor"

I hate the feeling of acceptance. I hate knowing that I'm not as happy as I've been pretending. The damage is done, but the police lines haven't been wrapped around me yet. The hospital doors flap like the wings of a dove begging for release. I want to feel real again. I'm sick of this.

I hate knowing I've been painting faces on myself during the past weeks for the sake of saving face. I've been lying to myself for so long and now it's coming back to haunt me. What's the biggest pain in life? The absence of feeling real, or the real pain itself? Royal love and true pain. I'm coming up with a lack of wordplay because I just don't know what to do anymore. God never gave me a manual to handle this life. I never knew it'd be so hard. Where is the restart button? Is it next to the shut down button, or maybe they are the same. There's something about writing words that always made me feel better, but now I feel the desire the burn it down. "it's better to burn out than to fade away"

Someone give me something real, or light me the way. I need a savior. I need help. This is me sending smoke signals into the air begging for something.

I want to feel real. I want to live. Give me the cure.

Palette

velvet lips. velvet moon.
"into the black and out of the blue"
left summer in a casket and brought autumn on a gurney.
winter passed the aisle and spring read the eulogy.

and what's a midnight summer's dream anyway?
a million words wrapped and shaped with clay.
i traced the clouds back into my veins.
they pump me high and give me words to say

purple drinks and purple lace.
purple bruises with all the same names.
follow it back - trace it to the same place.
we all start where we begun and begun where we end.
if you're not killing time, you're saving it for the end.

There's Nothing Worse Than Knowing How It Ends

I'm tripping like the alcohol in your brain. I want to be set free like the booze inside your veins. I want you to swallow up my pride and to commit to my neverending cycle of return to pain because I love you so. I never though I'd feel the red fury of yourself in me, but now I do, and now I feel committed to fall in love with you. I want to sink in your hair like smoke and I want my scent to be remembered forever. I don't want anyone else to ever get between this passion of you and me. You are the fire angel of my heart and you set a thunder storm of thought concerning whether or not if I should actually move and mobilize or not. You spark the fire in my heart.

You are the single consuming thought in my head right now. You are like the pen in hand, so smooth and loving corroding all the pain and singlehandedly starting a love inside my heart.

"And your love kickstarts again"

Take Two - Take a Blue and it'll feel OK.

I want to get high off the four-letter word that drives through my brain. I guess I just simply misunderstood everything you said as something more. I never know how to be me anymore. I want you to scream at me and to float into outer space; to be caught in the mainframe of the supercomputer computing my every step. Your shirts are pressed and labeled to the bone, and your smile is just an anchor free from the storm. I hate feeling so apathetically afloat. I'm sick of wasting my time writing about you.

And what's to be done of a heart that has lost it's tact? Seven broken mirrors that just feed the black cat. Bad luck doesn't only follow me, but it loves to bite my ass. A candle lit up a part of me I forgot I had, and I never felt so scared to be a passing fad. Tell me you'll love me when you forget about my past. I know I messed up, but this is an opportunity that I just can't pass up anymore. I'm feeling tired and sore from all the winding and unwinding that takes place during your storm. You are my hurricane, spinning around my thousands of little words. You make me feel weak inside and you turn up the fear. And so, I devised a plan that will set your tears around my throat. I'll disappear and you'll never know, no one will ever know, if I'll reappear again.

bluepillscallmynamelikethesullensongsaswanwouldsing

Thank you for everything and for setting off these words like bullet trains running at Godspeed. These are my famous last words, and if anyone ever finds them, I hope that they'll never go to waste.

This is goodbye
This is the end

And she said "Nothing comes to my mind either"

I'm more than the desperation of a relapse
Happiness waves through my body
into my mind, lying to me
I'm fine
Pivot and shoot into me
a hoop of dreams and
a safe zone of misery
Baby teeth won't ever grow
you're a memory carved into stone.

What's worse than to fall apart?
To sink and watch yourself die from above
Storm into the room and forget the protection
A million words and a gun
Ammunition holds you close
It creates all the tension

Baby give me a lighter
give me a fight
give me some drinks
and turn off the lights
ease the nerves and set off the night
Tonight, we come back to life

There is nothing worse than to see you build up
only to then turn away
tonight I'm burning you
tonight I'm painting you grey
Sit outside my window
and paint the road that leads the way out
drive me into hell
but don't dare forget about
bread crumbs so I'll take it all back with me

You're never alone
The real demons are here.

"I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me"

I'm twisting and turning and now I know what it feels like to be a sinking ship. The first step is always acceptance, and so I accepted I needed you to be the better part of me. We're split ends tearing off the seams. I slip into your dreams and I'm gently caressed by sweet indifference that so lovingly deals with me carelessly. I'm a high tide. I'm a sinking ship.

I wonder how long it must take to cauterize every remainder of you in my heart. The bruises sink into me like anchors and your eyes are wide enough for me to swim comfortably. I'm loving just how bittersweet this is. I hope someday you'll miss me, but until then I'll satisfy myself with lying to my brain. If living is just a lie, then dreaming is my pride. I could be an attempt for your bottles and lips to give a try, again. Maybe I'm not sane, but who's to judge that anyway? This self-inflicting pain only gives myself away. I've learned to give up the harshest part of your heart. The one that you let loose and fell in love with the stars. Break the press and snap yourself weightless. The flashing lights get into your head. The love you lead is not permanent. Nothing ever will be.

I only serve myself in a silver platter to be fed to the wolves. I need to relive their hunger and my mind is composed of wool. Tricky, tricky. Nothing is ever as it seems, and undoubtedly there is nothing worse than for the end to be the opposite of what you dreamed. False inspiration and high tide hopes. Sweet water hearts sinking like a ship getting torn apart in a storm. Let loose and let me in. I want to be your original sin. Give me holy water, for I want to be blessed. The outline of my heart is made out of tin. A galaxy of lights in your bedroom. High heels and classy black dresses decorate the floor. I'm marking my path for embracing hands carved out of stone. I'm never OK. I never will be. I'll be the last dead man walking to grace your room. C'est la vie.

Change of Heart

It's amazing how one mere picture can change it all. From being the epitome of the lyrics to Bruno Mars' "Grenade" to lacking any thing to say, I guess I've slipped down the charts. I laid the words on the billboard of your back and wrapped my heart onto it.

Don't lie (down), or you'll break the remainder of it.

Thursday Night

It seems like we're building a wall of our sinking lies, truth on the statement and gentle sighs.
I'm a sinking ship with a God complex of reigning the ocean
I'm a gun loaded without a bullet at hand,
like a million red candles in the sky.

I know that my heart is lying
when lately it feels like
we're a mirror of what
everyone said we'd become

prove me wrong

i want to know that you disagree
that you genuinely see the end of the thread
i think it could be a friend
one of those that sink in the sea
and crawl out of bed

give me a mirror to crack
to set off another chain of bad luck
i'm a lost melody
stuck inside your brain
i'm faded glory
i'm a cracking chain

burlesque legs wrap around my head
a million thoughts but a tornado of wounds instead
snapping mirrors by time's end
a concrete loss of love that will erase what you said
we're selling streets to wall street
we're buying blocks from the dead
grams of a million lies
all the ones you said

will i ever be redeemed of any moment of deception
the loss of correlation
in the events that i have caused?
a room less than you thought
a million fireflies in a falling rot
the leftover of an item that once gave so much love
and life and all in between
what's the truth
if we're all just sinking in between?

i'm far too many drinks into my thought
my best friend gave me an absolut(e) thought
the alcohol in my veins
is only a mirror
of the thoughts
rushing
through
my
head.

Elm

The morphine will suit you well
crawling down your skin and your stairs
can you believe that everything we've seen
has just as easily been deceived?

Lights
I can't fight
the urge tonight
they shine so bright
screams of hopeless
Are you watching closely?
Magicians never reveal the trick
or they become no one
I only want to be someone
Cracks in cement
like your tears in the rain
fight away
I'm OK

Tell me you love me
I want you (to[o])
Come alive
Count around
the fires dance
They call out for your romance
we fold into ice and cards
ace of hearts
miracle worker of the morse code night
street lights flicker a message in sight
1, 2, i'm coming for you

I can't wait to meet you again.

Heaven Sent

Naturally reminded
firework timing
like the perfect lullaby
explosions in the sky
tragically romantic
love like the frantic (I am)
your words on the backseat
bounce in my brain
tell me all of your secrets
let them wash with the rain

The moment we accept
we let loose a storm
the concrete cries tonight
like your glistening eyes - I'm born

Fistfight in the dark
is it out of the blue,
if our eyes are red in sight?
And the bark of the trees
I carved so eloquently
The'll fall over before you get a chance
to see what I wrote at all

My day has come and passed
I'm gray in looks
and dull inside
Give me your hand in dance
the rocking reminder
of a careless past.

Let heaven know I'm coming soon
Praying for a tax reduction of my mistakes
Early ends with early blooms
The Devil taught me how to sing the blues.

Final Call

"I must not let this get to my head" I repeat to myself over and over again. These words will carve out the remainder of what I feel for you and let them loose on the tubes. These are search dogs, hunting for any hope to come back starved. This is truly the beginning of the end. Maybe there is no hope at the end of the rope. I'm hanging on to your words like a noose for my head. Your heart warms up the inside of my bed. I'm crawling into the dreamscape of my heartache hoping to find vindication, but all I will ever feel is the absence of motivation and my broken heart.

It's not about the feeling anymore, it's about the lack of. It's about my resentment growing higher and my desire to shove these hollow words back down your throat. Give me something to break. I want to drown the whole world. I want to break a million mirrors and pray for bad luck. I feel like a sinking ship without an anchor. I feel hopeless. I feel needless.

These images don't make sense, just like any of your words. Maybe I should stop to try again, but I'd be fed to the wolves. Everyone has it wrong. When will you realize that your heartless lover will never care enough for your heart itself? He doesn't care, and soon enough I won't either.

Who am I kidding? This is my curse. This is my sentence. This is the time I'll serve, forever folding into the cards you laid down. Thunder struck my brain and laid over the most eloquent and calculated plan to build - and then break your heart. I hate how honest you've been. Your words will hang my head. I only want to sink into your eyes and drown in miserable ignorance - but ignorance is bliss, as they always say. The poet comes to life to let you know that you've broken his heart and let him down. It's over now, and he was ready to give in his life on the ground for you. I was ready to give anything up for you.

I want to hate you and never see you again. I want to forget you and never feel this pain. I don't ever want to know things got this way. I don't ever want to know I felt the same.

Woe

I spent most of Friday afternoon attempting to figure out how to reach out to you. A year ago then our hearts melted into each other and we carefully edged our pieces together. We squeezed onto our memories and our subtleties, with matching space fit for us. We spent our days laying with words that carefully traversed your mind and snatched your heart. Little by little, the string slowly brought you in closer. The more I did, the more you were afraid. You never wanted this. You never wanted to love me this much.

But as is with everything in the world, eventually the roles were changed. You said this was a curse for you, so now I assume this is a curse for me. I've spent my days scribbling words coldly calculated to bring you back. You are the anchor that sinks me into the depths of an underwater love, where I lose all my breath and my conscience sinks deeper than my heart. I am sorry - my morality seems to have gone missing. Maybe I misplaced it next to your lips and my pillowcase.

I don't want to remain hung over you. You run into another's arms and blow kisses for the fiends. Could you have any more luck? The lucrative look you give will always get you another man when you choose to. Why can't I seem to let go? These words are the ones that you'll never know.

If I could only begin to forget you, then maybe I'd forget your eyes, wide and brown, constantly glistening even in pure daylight. Your walk with grace, with lack of care of the superficial, not worrysome at all. You've got character, and that won't ever be replaced. Your smile that shows genuine care and love, with your cheeks gently rolling up together like waves against the sand. You slowly tilt your head to a side and your hair swings by like silk curtains caressed by a gentle wind. Your hands entangled with mine were more than any word you could come up with to tell me that right there, laying your head on my shoulder, was where you wanted to be. Pace up the view and light a smoke to finally see the heart that is burning up for you. I got stains in my heart like cigarette burns and a pain that rushes through like a brick against my spine, dislocating every joint to leave me paralyzed at your knees.

I feel overwhelmed by your being, and it frightens me. How can it be that someone can be so masochistic that they just can't ever seem to let go the one thing that single handedly destroys them from the inside? My irony and my sarcasm won't ever journey out too well out of this. I am a hidden potential down your throat. I am the tip of your tongue. I am the words you wish you never said at all. I am every word you ever spoke, every single lie you have ever said, but I love it anyway. I am every word you want to say, every false step that takes you to the right direction. I am irony. I am the end - but always, for you, I am the beginning.

Avast

Brainstorm in head
Relapse and relapse and reboot
When every word you've said
Gets you closer to the sinking loot
Are we getting closer or just falling apart
to your memories and our crashing cars
Motor heads in our hearts
We're diving into love and trading cards
I never knew how to react
In fact, i never knew how to be me at all
These words fall in composure
(How can you always be so sure?)
and we're losing our tact
Broken mirrors and windows
and the concrete with the cracks
When it rains then it's over
and i've been swimming ever since
Let me in and stop me from breaking my own heart.

Love Eclipse

God knows that I've tried to give up on holding on. I've always been the kind to have panic attacks and control issues when things don't go my way, but what I have learned with you is that holding on can take away more than letting go could. My attempts at fixing the smudges and mere mistakes only land on greater tragedies - my fear only drives me insane, leading to me recklessly trying to pick up the pieces of the ruin I made. I spread myself too thing in an attempt to reach to you in every possible way, but in doing so, I can't ever seem to be strong enough in any area to be able to impress in any way. If only your wide eyes could lead me out of this abyss of misery that I'm chained to, then I could be free.

I want to set the Earth on fire to see everyone burn like my heart. I want to pull down the sky and smother myself in the sweet scent of autumn clouds. I want to illuminate the stars themselves to bring them over to you, so you can pick your personal favorite, because you are a star to me. I want to hang it so high in the sky that no matter where you are, you'll know that it's yours, and that like the star is forever in the sky, you're forever in my heart.

With every gentle stroke of the cigarette against my lips and into my lungs, the smog gently caresses me as my mind races while you're gently moving along in your blissful ignorance. Do you think you'll ever realize the importance of your being in my life? It's been two months since I've been let go, but I can't let you slip away. You yourself asked me not to ever let you go.

Why did you slip so far away when I still see you in my dreams? Possessing my heart and stitching together wounds with your flaring and brilliant smile - a gentle but loving motion casually directed at me, but forever taking a toll in my heart.

Eccedentesiast

My throat shuts and my hands tremble at the thought knowing that deep inside of me, there is still the most prominent part of you. The remnants of my heart will never seem to stitch through if I just can't get this right. All I see around me are the shadows tip-toeing through my mind, echoing the words that never came out - and never will. It's a strict diet of words, where only a selected few will seem apt. I never wanted to fall apart as I do now that my heavy heart is weighing me down. I'm stuck on a word that will graffiti my mind like the neighborhood's haunted house. I don't want your look to split my heart's cells into a million fireflies on a flurry. What's to be of my heart that is haunted by the feelings you caused, even when I can still picture you running down the hall into his arms? A million staircases away from me, it seems. I should know better than to put my heart on a line that will turn out to be a train track. Is it possible to kick start my heart back to normal knowing that the engine has run off?

I can't stand faking my walk down the hall, a ghost in your eyes. I slowly drown out into these words I wrote on a note that will sink into me like the kisses you laid on my cheek. I fake every move to avoid the affairs concerning you and your glistening eyes. I don't think anyone looked as beautiful as you do when you're moving past the line. I'll fake these emotions so you'll never find out what I'm hiding inside of myself. My heart is only calling because of the memories in my head. Maybe some day I'll figure my thoughts out, but I probably never will

Amen.

The Runway Of Life

It’s a shame that the world works in a fashion where one can give their all to someone else, and just be the best person you can be only to make something work. It’s wrong, and it falls on those who give in too much. I hate this feeling - when it all smells like winter. The smell of the wet plants on the morning after a heavy rain. I love the smell of it, but I hate the feeling that comes along with it; It’s the same smell as tears. It’s just all an unmitigated disaster. A salty lake on the bottom of your chin, waiting for the final jump into an abyss of loneliness, it’s like an organ of blues music, simultaneously maintaining a level of originality when its original use was for funerals. We’re all just the black keys of the piano. The minors. The faults, indeed, but when you feel like it’s all coming down, the rain reminds you of yourself inside. Coming out, like a rapid fire transit train on a midnight shift. Lonely, quick, and almost senseless. When it rains, it’s the coming clean of generations, but the final reminder of an ending pain. The final sting. The pain is as subtle as a hurricane. Tears you apart and lets you down. Everything seems to crawl and fall apart, if anything moved at all. Loneliness affects those empty in the heart, sooner or later. Maybe romance is dead. Maybe it’s gone and left us all with an illusion of what is presented in the media. This world is not meant for the people like me - those that carry their heart on their sleeve. It’s for those that live, love, and carry on.

So, wear your best black dress and hit the runway; maybe you'll dazzle the surrounding lives caught in the mainframe of love and deception. I give in too easily, and become too much. Maybe some day I'll get it right, but for now, love is a lonely little word that I just think about too much.

Dream Big, Angel

I'm not sure I can follow through with whatever my heart dictates. I feel like I'm a spilt neon light in the back alley of the pub, a symbol of the refraction of your love after the course of our relationship. I'm just the stepping stone of your life; I knew I would never remain as a constant.

I guess that if love is never going to last forever, then it's just a waste of time and hearts. I don't want to reboot any moment that I feel like I'm getting torn apart. Why is it that I die for you, while you die in another's arms? You're dragging the short leg of the corpse of our relationship on the palms of the hands you share with others. I don't know what my goal is, I just know that without you, the days fall into a deeper and darker gray than usual.

Sometimes I wonder what crosses your head. If, at any given moment, you spend a single moment thinking of me - a fraction of the life time I've spent writing about you. I hope you know that you were all that was left for me in this deadbeat town. The streetlights don't sing to me like they used to, and the tender smell of rain is just reminiscent of our parting. I don't want to remember the words you said, but they cross my head like a million fireflies running to the light.

I read your letter, the one you left me asking me to never let you go. I'm sure you never meant that love could stop like a burnt out cigarette. We're at the center of the hurricane, crossing over through the waves of a spinning disaster that will tear my heart apart and spread it to the world. I'm worn out and broken apart, and your lips stutter as you pretend that we're OK. I don't want to be the only one lying when I say that things were better off two months ago, when our fingers intertwined on the broad sight of day.

As I write this, I'm left wondering what is left for me to be; maybe I'll just be the washed up return of the former love, the ashes of a flame once so tall that left the roof of your brain on fire. They say that when your heart's burning, the smoke gets in your eyes, and it's finally clear to me that I am diseased. This love you triggered is a curse.

I have parataxic distortions that will lead me through the mediocre thought that you deserve better, even when your makeup runs on another cheek. It's a tragedy you live for the comedy of life. When you said the time was wrong, I don't think you realized that once let go, the wind you catch will never be the same. You threw caution to the wind with your shaky arm along with your head. Rolling in the deep, I'm just a worn out pavement, the only thing that tenderly strokes my lips when I hit the ground.

I'm not sure I want to get up - I rather avoid the opportunity to fall for you altogether. I'll drag my body for the remaining three months on the down-low, never alone but never without heart. I sing for the stars - but that's a story for another time.

You keep me hopeless and tied to a life that felt like a roman candle to my heart. Set off the images of the words that run off the PA system on the walls, claiming to fix the broken tragedy that struck this life. Burn up the solar system in your eyes, glistening stars on the universe of your retina. Stare straight up at me and beg for a kiss, I just don't want your lips to forget the ones that gave them the most love they will ever feel. Give me the look of love - connect your jeweled eyes with mine. Sometimes I love you the most when you light up your eyes.

Thirteen Minutes to Midnight

When we spread our words to each other last night, I'm not quite sure you have may have felt the spark I have. A forbidden love, made almost out of a movie scene, played out in front of us like dancing fireflies, eloquent, but too shy to speak the seriousness of the subject. Acted lovers on a valentine's fever, too charming and childish to face the truth, but too serious to use any other words.

Maybe the pieces fall into place, and the acknowledgement of this young, impossible love will be revealed. Until then, we'll repose and hide away with these pieces of words in our souls, forevermore laying like the patch of grass being stroked by the wind. Carefully caressing the the nature outside, my desire raged on for an opportunity with you like that. I'm not one to move ahead, for I am too much of a clichéd, self-conscious type of lover, but I know that my way with words will smitten you eventually.

Maybe this is just the thrill of the chase, but the moment you'll have me in your hands, I'll form a piece of your regular schedule, and just how I came in; recklessly, unexpectedly, and rapidly; I will be gone. You may miss me then, and our hearts may realize that these games we're playing are more than a facade with the simple callings of "darling" and "love"

I always go to bed feeling like a poet, but could it be that perhaps last night I may have seen the sight of a poet with a matching, hidden angst, and a desire to spread love despite the tremendous scars that decorate it?

Dear you, I may start my engine, my broken heart, just to give it a chance again.

Eternal

If I had a choice, I'd glisten brighter than the stars in the sky. You would notice me and I would not fall apart. I guess my theories have always been true, no one can ever truly love me. My wonder leaves me behind and I just become the broken vessel of what once was. I'd die to shaken your world one last time. Rip apart the wonders of time and collapse into your arms again. We're nothing but images painted on the wall, omens for the end of the world. You were my world.

There's nothing in this moment that can numb me and tear me apart. We're living in the cycle of the misery that is called life. Losing our memory seems like the only solution, and Montauk awaits only for those that believe in second chances. My words are twisted and my mind is lost. My fingers are blistered and my brain is gone. Do you believe that time is better left alone? The only moment we're ever in love is when we go back in time. I don't think that makes any sense at all.

Is true love any real? I sit and wonder, and think if you're thinking about that too. Maybe it's only that the time was wrong. I'd understand that we're far too young, especially you, but I believed that there was no time for love. It just came, saw, and conquered. We were all doomed to fall, but now it just doesn't seem as clear as it once was. True love exists only in dreams.

The nicotine basted around my lungs, trying to find any way to damage me more. Why do I do this to myself? It seems like the only way I ever think is "Go big or go home." If i'm going to hurt, I'm going to truly hurt, and I want to be scarred. I don't ever want to forget. These scars are my tattoos, the common memory that haunts me every day and reminds me. My wrists will depict the moment of weakness that came, but the strength that it suggests. If they are here, then I must be too. I want to hurt. I want to bleed. I want to damage myself to the point that I will react. For some reason, my boiling point never comes.

You are all I write about, and I can't stand to spend another single second thinking about you. This is decomposing me and laying my guts out for all the vultures. I'm twisting and turning, and my mind feels bleak. Am I really this alone and tired? I have always been a nocturnal creature, but my lack of sleep is finally getting the best of me. Do you believe that we're all to blame? I fell apart to the same game.

This is the effect of the cause. This is what I receive for not knowing better and for falling apart. I will never let anyone in again. Everyone just gets bored. I'm great at first, but then they feel bored and trapped, and notice my every flaw. I don't know why I ever let anything begin when I know better.

Last Night

I'm wrapped in the mediocrity you left me with. I never thought I'd reach the point of bleakness as I did last night. My tears were only held back by the slow, stroke of the nicotine against my lungs. The absence of your fingers slowly caressing my skin left me empty. Do you realize that we're only falling down a horrible hole of deception? Maybe I'm too open; too emotional. Maybe these are the words that I should've just left out from the start.

It's over. It has been over since you whispered to me you weren't in love with me anymore. I've been drinking my own wishful thinking like it was some beautiful dream, when it was just poison. My high hopes were so deep in me that I didn't truly notice them until last night. Maybe some day, but we don't have much time. All hope has crashed from the sky, and the only relief is knowing that these white and black keys will still sound the same, no matter how long I will be hurting. I'll be alone drowning out like I've always been. It's strange to see myself exactly in the same position I was a year ago. You healed me. You were my cure. You are now my poison.

Chaos ensues inside my mind. I'll see you walk by, I'll smile, and you'll not even look at me. I'm not sure I can face you tomorrow after last night. I feel weak and dull. Your face shining with pride, knowing some tears have been shed for you. Your walk will be filled with poise and grace, while I'll regret my lack of strength and self-respect.

And I miss you. I miss your calls, I miss your voice. I miss your lips. I miss how out hands would intertwine like shy second graders, loving but immature. I miss you letting me know you missed me, five minutes after I was gone. How did your feelings change so fast? We're like speeding cars on a one way drive. I used to be the one you wished for, but now you've changed your mind. Your confusion spreads it's legs around my brain, opening up and closing me in. You don't want me out, but don't want me in. You don't love me, but you do. You want me to keep talking to you, but you ignore me.

You have me wrapped around your finger, like a ring made out of solid gold. You know I'm here, I'm now, and I'm ready*, but I can't allow that anymore. Last night changed everything. Boys don't cry. I can't let myself be brought down by you again.

"Be careful" I told you I'd be careful, but you know that I'm a masochist. You know I'm a monster. You know I'm reckless and lonely. I'm the loneliest boy you will ever find.

Pour out of my lungs. Rip my heart out of my chest and leave it empty. I am always so available. My heart will be a grenade. My love will be a weapon. It will destroy you and your dreams. I hope you fall asleep tonight and you think of me, and then think of my absence. ________, this is over. I will not spread my guts out for you anymore.

This is raw, and lacking in the poetics area, but it doesn't matter. I can't let this in my heart anymore. The poet you loved, the recycled heart of waste and drowned love, will never let you in again. I've let loose and come to terms. I must now be myself, alone, without you. As hard as it is, I still see your back hugging me in the mirror. It's time to let it out. Time to dance the solo.

Tonight, we fall apart. Tonight, in black and white, you will break the boundaries and leave. You have fixed me, but have torn me down. I can't let myself be wrapped by your tricks anymore.

__________, I can't let you destroy me anymore.

*"I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready" is taken from "23" by Jimmy Eat World

Xx

I’m falling apart and crawling through the ceiling of your dreams. I’m just waste and gone, a minimal loss to you and your dreams. Do you realize that we’re never the same? We fall apart to the different perspectives. I never felt like I had an absence of words for these emotions before. It’s all in my head; your hands down my spine, your words slithering into my ears. Your hands wrapped in mine, forever. A second meant a lifetime, and now a lifetime is gone forever. You can write me off or keep me down, but I’m gone in a moment and now it’s all lost. These are the words that are forever lost in the tubes, the ones you’ll never find, the ones that are meant for you and only you. These moments are only temporary and soon they’re just a memory. They all bank away into your head like the cumulative amount of senseless and meaningless thoughts. I’m a tax collector waiting for you to pay your dues. Senseless and emotionless, caught in a parade for the celebration of a freedom. We all fall back down, but this is the moment of your dreams.

You never felt as alive as you do right now.
I hope you know that I’m here moving forward, but the memories sting. When I think it’s finally over, you come back like the transitions in my head. Colors changing shapes, moons pasted on the sky like stickers, and the stars are all just a million fireflies. We’ll be forever locked in this cell, the one you keep, the one you made. The one you dug yourself in. Do you realize what you have done? Unleashed the loneliness upon my heart. Stray yourself afar from my dreams, the loneliest haven leading from my seams. Miss me and fall apart. I feel like my chest is pumping out every little thing that’s left from you. Letting you out and falling apart. I should’ve never let you in from the start.

Relapse and relapse and relapse and restart. Reboot and reconfigure. Restart the syntax of my heart. The constitutions I swore never to fall apart. We’re damned and confused. We’re lost and used. We’re sinking ships on the horizon, beyond the naked eye. Look closely and you’ll see a waving flag. We’re the worst kinds of lovers. The ones that feel like friends. The ones that never reveal affection, and the ones that are fickle like your brain. Compulsive, and confusing. You’re the end of the rope. Something that I will never completely grasp, but that’s just fine. When life falls apart, all we have left is a couple miles in our head from the past. I’ll move on, but for now I’m mourning. Mourning for the loss of love, but only from one part. How sad is it to be the one that is loved less? We’re just the mirror reflection of each other. Silhouettes in the dark, revealing each other’s cracks and scars. You left fingers prints all over my heart, like the footsteps taking you outside. We’re the last falling star from the sky. The final call. Curtain call. Cue in the claps, or lack thereof.

Shedding sweat on the backseat for last time’s sake. “That’s enough” but never enough for the rest. Memory is timeless, and the camera of my mind will forever hold that image against my heart. Call it a night and respond in the morning. These are the words in your brain. The words that are unsaid. The moments left unspoken. The time wrapped on your head. This will be your noose, the everlasting moment where everything changed forever. We’re not one. We’re not all. This was everything. This is nothing.

Down.

I got stuck on the lines in your head finding my way back into your bed. Your melody doesn’t sound as sweet when you back out from feelings you already exposed. Fall out and climb your way out, I’ll be stuck here for only so long. Fall apart and crawl away, you cracked me inside and so everything fell apart. It’s raining inside my chest and I just want to feel loved. Don’t give me sympathy and give me a moment to breathe. I think I’ll be OK. In times like these we tend to give away our poise and composure to win back something that was never ours. Letting go is part of the process, and soon enough I’ll be gone as well. I’ll be claiming my own miserable cell and sooner, I’ll be out of this hell hole. Time heals all wounds, but it won’t ever get rid of the scars your hands rested on my heart. Slip away from my memories and slip away from my hand. You’re only happy when I hold you, and I’m only happy when I’m loved. Take your time and move away, go to another state and you’ll be OK. I need you to be fine because above it all, more than what I want you, I want you to be fine.

I’ve given myself up far too easily, and I’ll dedicate myself with my pen. Give away and never take back, time is just far too easily controlled for me to set the span. You’re the star, baby, and I swear I’ll give up Heaven to implode for you. Watch the stars spell out your names, and watch the neon lights pour into me. I want to break in the worst possible way. I want to fall apart and start again. I want to give in and out of the back of your car. Give me your lips and I’ll give you my heart. Let me fall apart when you say “That’s enough” and the rain will pour into you, but you’ll never get rid of the taste of my kisses ever. This second lasts forever. You’re my roman candle heart, and you will set off just soon enough.

Sink

I’m getting lost again
in that feeling in your gut
when your pain and gain seem the same.
I’m getting too caught up
in this mess of a game in your head
the look in your eyes makes me insane

If I had a chance to revisit the past, I’d take it all
I’d live it just the same, but with a little more concern
for the truth in voice.
You’re far too confused to let me in
and if my words are not enough
I’m not sure my heart is.

Feeling far too blue to keep this summer mood.
When did love and pain meet on the same side of the moon?
Don’t you think I’m far too caught up to try and change?
When your words ring in my ears more than the bass overtones
and your look digs deeper than the scalpel that I’ll hold.

I’m lost in my absence of words. Things will never be the same, maybe I’m to blame, but we’re falling to the same game. Take these things a day at a time, except of course when your time is running out and is flying by. If you thought it once, think again. The words will create the image for you inside your head. I’m lost and found again. Take my heart and it’ll do the same. You’re the engine in my train. The stars spell out your name. Blue pill, red pill- it’s all the same. Take one to live in bliss, the other will put you with the truth and its pain.

Forevermore in the lost case of my brain. My heart and my head will never agree, maybe I’m just not sane? I’ve got a colossal wound the size of your head. It’s right in my heart, in my central mainframe. I’m haywire, gone loose. Hung my love on your heart’s noose. Your wide eyes will be the pond of my dreams, the loss of my words, the pain in my sleep. I’ll sink and swim. Sink and swim. Sink and swim. Underwater love, that’s what it is.