Last Night

I'm wrapped in the mediocrity you left me with. I never thought I'd reach the point of bleakness as I did last night. My tears were only held back by the slow, stroke of the nicotine against my lungs. The absence of your fingers slowly caressing my skin left me empty. Do you realize that we're only falling down a horrible hole of deception? Maybe I'm too open; too emotional. Maybe these are the words that I should've just left out from the start.

It's over. It has been over since you whispered to me you weren't in love with me anymore. I've been drinking my own wishful thinking like it was some beautiful dream, when it was just poison. My high hopes were so deep in me that I didn't truly notice them until last night. Maybe some day, but we don't have much time. All hope has crashed from the sky, and the only relief is knowing that these white and black keys will still sound the same, no matter how long I will be hurting. I'll be alone drowning out like I've always been. It's strange to see myself exactly in the same position I was a year ago. You healed me. You were my cure. You are now my poison.

Chaos ensues inside my mind. I'll see you walk by, I'll smile, and you'll not even look at me. I'm not sure I can face you tomorrow after last night. I feel weak and dull. Your face shining with pride, knowing some tears have been shed for you. Your walk will be filled with poise and grace, while I'll regret my lack of strength and self-respect.

And I miss you. I miss your calls, I miss your voice. I miss your lips. I miss how out hands would intertwine like shy second graders, loving but immature. I miss you letting me know you missed me, five minutes after I was gone. How did your feelings change so fast? We're like speeding cars on a one way drive. I used to be the one you wished for, but now you've changed your mind. Your confusion spreads it's legs around my brain, opening up and closing me in. You don't want me out, but don't want me in. You don't love me, but you do. You want me to keep talking to you, but you ignore me.

You have me wrapped around your finger, like a ring made out of solid gold. You know I'm here, I'm now, and I'm ready*, but I can't allow that anymore. Last night changed everything. Boys don't cry. I can't let myself be brought down by you again.

"Be careful" I told you I'd be careful, but you know that I'm a masochist. You know I'm a monster. You know I'm reckless and lonely. I'm the loneliest boy you will ever find.

Pour out of my lungs. Rip my heart out of my chest and leave it empty. I am always so available. My heart will be a grenade. My love will be a weapon. It will destroy you and your dreams. I hope you fall asleep tonight and you think of me, and then think of my absence. ________, this is over. I will not spread my guts out for you anymore.

This is raw, and lacking in the poetics area, but it doesn't matter. I can't let this in my heart anymore. The poet you loved, the recycled heart of waste and drowned love, will never let you in again. I've let loose and come to terms. I must now be myself, alone, without you. As hard as it is, I still see your back hugging me in the mirror. It's time to let it out. Time to dance the solo.

Tonight, we fall apart. Tonight, in black and white, you will break the boundaries and leave. You have fixed me, but have torn me down. I can't let myself be wrapped by your tricks anymore.

__________, I can't let you destroy me anymore.

*"I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready" is taken from "23" by Jimmy Eat World