Nunca Muy Orgulloso Para Suplicar

Arrastrándome por limosnas, preocupado por algún precio fatal que se cobrara en mi corazón. Nunca tuve la decencia de dejar atrás a todo lo que me destruía - yo llevo un pedazo de cada memoria conmigo. Soy como Neruda, con veinte poemas sin titulo, deseando que escuchases a mis palabras y lo que te suplico. Mi amor, mi vida, no soy yo sin ti, y mas bien, no soy el mismo con tu ausencia. Mi corazón palpita como bailan las libélulas, y mis labios se sienten mas dulces con los tuyos, como azucenas en el verano. Coloreando las rosas negras en mi cama, pintándolas del color de tu esmalte, no quiero dejar atrás ningún detalle. Te quiero sentir encima mío, con tus palmas arrasando mi espalda y tu corazón complementando mi pecho (nunca esta completo sin ti - parece estar mas pesado a mi izquierda cuando no estás). Corazón de aerosol, te desvaneces con el agua y el jabón. Este es el amor de los travesías, el amor por el cual yo rindo mi espada y mi escudo y me lanzo al olvido. Nunca mas sin ti seré el mismo, y nunca mas sin ti podre vivir. Déjate crecer en mi corazón, por favor, ya que los colibrís ruegan por la oportunidad de mover tu mundo, tu corazón - el mundo que parece perder el tiempo cuando no estamos juntos, tu y yo.

Disintegration

I just can't find the words to begin to relay this haunting thought that's been ping-ponging in my head with anger and anxiety. Compressed memories and my own interpretation of words are absolutely destroying me from the inside out beginning with my heart. I've been drinking crocodile tears to sleep for a while now. It all begins in my head, raging inside and calling out. Laying under moonlight gives me an awkward sour taste. I used to have bravado at some point, but it's all the same; it's like the worst in me and you comes out in the worst possible ways. Why do these relationships fall apart? Is it my fault? I'd take back anything to have your embrace, fully, completely in the garage of a stranger's house "catching up" or so how they'd claim. Bring back the house parties, bring back the booze, bring back the memories that this town used to give to me. It's not the same. It's like I've grown (down) and everyone's the same. Not even I'm satisfied. Maybe I'm just afraid I'm everyone's pity fuck. I was laying with leaky eyes on a bar counter with salt on the small of my hand, begging for another shot (at you) and now I'm just laying on this keyboard begging for another shot (for him). What's this holiday cheer? Remember it's the summer in the southern hemisphere. No hot chocolate for me - I'm drinking half assed lemonades begging to be real. I'm worse off than you think. It's not kiss me kiss me kiss me as much as heal me heal me heal me. Broken cords and sunken nooses. I don't want this to be one of those "poor him" kind of things. I want it to be real. It feels like Xx again.

I need to get it out. I've been too far away from the crowd. I need the life again. I need the music. I need the words. I either release everything or I'm just going to die with the blood in my mouth. I need you to know how much I need you. I need you to tell me you need me, too. Tell me you need me. Tell me you love me. I'm so lonely without you.

Merry Christmas, KJ

Somewhere deep amongst my entrails I've found a beating patch,
carefully woven into me with endearment and care.
It's got me feeling like summer all over again.
I have my honeycomb heart keeping me alive,
only with sweet breaths of hope and infatuation
like a hot air balloon raised into the atmosphere,
towering high above the ground below.
Got Superman on the chokehold.
What's sobriety if only when I'm not with you?
What's love if not breaths whispering romantics in our hidden field of view?
(Hidden only without you)
I've been following the chalk outline,
breathing in all the leftover
at least to keep your absence as close to me as you would be.
I'm absolutely lost without you.
(If only you'd believe)
Front row tickets to where love feels like astronomy.
You're a nova, baby,
sugar sweet love crawling through my veins.
You're the sunshine pressed against my shoulder,
carving a memory with every oozy breath.
Slept in a pine box and woke up in a dream,
where every single second is a hope you're thinking about me.
Wake me up tonight with a kiss and put me again to sleep,
so even when I'm gone, at least I'll have you in my dreams.

Things Like These Are Only Taken Seriously By People Like Us

It's going to be hard to admit this, but sometimes words come out better written than spoken. I have this bad habit of always thinking I'm right. I try my hardest to sound smart, when in reality, I'm not at all. It's like I'm always trying to impress people. And then, I always treat people the best when we're merely friends. I always take a mindless blow to those I really love without any consideration. I'm not real. I'm just fake. Just like everyone else I hated. Always trying to argue, I've become the opposing team - always. I'm fighting those I love, pushing them away wearing my fake masks to please those around me. But even when I know that, how come I can't change? I want to be real. I want to be genuine. I want more than just a "suck it up and grow up" - I need a manual for this kind of life, but I guess they're never handed to us anyway. Things like these are taken seriously only by people like us. I'm not as wonderful as I'm made out to be; a child prodigy turned into a waste. I'm the spun out waste of my life's hopes. I can't get things right. I'm such a great liar that I can even convince myself. Have I gotten used to eating so much bullshit that I've just forgotten the rotten taste? I'm the world's greatest deceiver. I'm the world's greatest disappointment. I am just me.

There's nothing good coming out of this. Happiness subsides in my presence. I'm great at convincing people I'm great. I can't help it cause I love the attention. I'm just the flutter of a hummingbird's wings. I'm the last domino standing, tipping over the edge of everything I've built in my life. Sometimes I feel like I should leave this world with a bang, but I'm not even worthy. I just need to find someplace to hang on to, forever. I am so sorry to everyone, but no one believes me. You know you're a disaster when everyone knows you as Mr. Hyde and doubts you as Dr. Jekyll. I want to apologize but "sorry" just isn't enough. I need something new, deserving of those I love, those around me. There's no rockbottom in life until death, but I'm pretty damn close. I'm sick of corrupting everything around me.

I guess the bottom line is: I don't deserve anything I have.

Shooting Blanks

A thunderstruck heart weighs down my bed.
Your voice comes across like the perfect pitch harmonic
layering and complementing our surroundings. Your face,
calm and serene, with seemingly pearl skin
illuminates when you merely look my way.
You glance at the area and I scan for you,
nonchalantly attempting to maintain this
passport love to a minimum for I know that
I suffer from the world's greatest disease-
I fall in love too quickly.

You're the shutter in the blinds, the light headed
way to keep my cancers away.
I've never felt this way before.
I'm so enthralled
I am craving for your eyes
Inject your smile into my veins,
the visceral sight from my eyes to your way
I carry a heart like a mattress
spun around on the world when I'm alone at night
You are the street lights I hang on to
the fascination of a (crush)ed drug
I'm too sober without you

The flood is running through my body
cherry picking lives spread across the floor
with countless attempts to get the sweetness
and now I got it from you.
If only you knew.
If only you knew.