Cross your brain and pray for rain. The city came down today.
My stomach turns and my voice cracks and I damn the distance set between us. Only the keys and the tubes connect us now, for if these were different circumstances I'd lose every aspect of you. At least I get to hear your voice, but phone calls don't take the heart home. Imagine yourself on the cab rides, holding hands and intertwining in a viciously rewarding attempt for replacement, but lust can't cover what the heart once fulfilled. That void made can't ever be filled, or at least that's what I've learned through my short years. Granted my age is young, but my pain is large and this keyboard has had a shoulder for me to cry on more times than I'd like to admit.
This was only for your fairy tales.
Hell, I love nothing. Dropped an arm and faced away from the sun. I'd like to die alone to avoid all these lonely colds. Winter love embraced me and left me. Wide-eyed browns had their eye on me and let me go. Carpet burns only last for so long. We're blessed for a second and then we're only hoping for the lurking scent of my dying rain. I was going away for the last time to come back for the first time. Rings on my eyes and a hole in my chest. I'm dying and unsent. Cherish, and sing me to sleep. "I am alone in my defeat." These airways and planes have no understanding or care for pain. Cannonball into the unknown.
I'm sticking onto you, like an ice cube to a tongue. These are all the words that you wish you sung. Life was only ready to begin. Anxiety dying onto me. Joy is so hard to reach when you're an airplane away from the ocean that your tears have made. I'll swim if there is no other way. I miss you more when I see the sunset because I can imagine the tease that the moon must feel; finally getting a simple peek of the sun before it disappears again. I don't ever want you to disappear again. Holding on gets harder when the distance is stretched into the horizon. "I'd follow you into the end of the world, my love"
Falling in pain again. The porcelain skin laid out on the counter like a clock that has the time wrong. Timing is everything, that's something that one must learn. The time tricked us. This distance split us. Now my heart is stretching miles of distance to get an answer. I don't have my mountains anymore. These plateaus are as shallow as a bed.
(Pilot, pilot, please help me, I think I left my heart on the other side again...)
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There are so many things I could pick to talk about and I will talk about them, but for now I'll leave it at you expressed everything I've felt in such a unique and beautiful way and your writing keeps me looking up. I'll go into my specifics at a later date when it isn't almost three AM and my head isn't as cloudy. Stay you.
ReplyDeleteeverything feels broken when you taste of emotions this strong. i wonder how you survive. scratch that. no i don't. i know already- you write to live. funny how sometimes the only way to escape the pain is by reliving it over and over, by tossing a net over it and sculpting every detail out of words.
ReplyDeletei wonder who broke you. i know who broke me, but when i finally understood that, i realized that maybe i'd never really run right, anyway. it reminds me of a rise against lyric. "you gave my emptiness a name." the entire song speaks of the kind of sorrow you cannot run from, and the way we outgrow everything we once loved- which really should make us better, but usually only makes us bitter. i don't know. maybe you should listen to it.
i wonder, sometimes, if the person that broke you and the person that broke me meet on the beach once a year, at sunrise, and cry and try to remember what it was like to have somebody love them without holding back.
What if you hung up?
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything more rewarding than logging back on to see that you guys have commented on these pieces that I write.. a sense of understanding that overwhelms and makes me eternally grateful to all of your comments.
ReplyDeleteali, three am thoughts are always the clearest. I always seem to like to write at night when all is quiet and my loneliness finally kicks in. I'm just glad you find it all beautiful..
xoxo, the person who broke me is actually the person who managed to fix me in the first place, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I actually vividly remember the scene in which she broke me again, the rain just collapsing onto the concrete sidewalk while she laid against the walls of her grandma's home, trying not to look at what she had done to me. "Audience of One" is actually one of the only songs that I could fully relate to.. I even told her, I remember, when we were on the phone one night after she broke me, that it wasn't her fault that she stopped loving me.. that she just simply outgrew something she used to love. I wonder if those who broke us ever do understand the difficulty in finding someone who will love them tear for tear, for every imperfection they have, that in an ironic twist makes them all that more perfect for us.
jac, I guess you can say that I'm too hung to always hang up.. It's complicated to explain, but I guess that words and telephone lines are all that connect me to sanity right now. I never feel more alone than when I am after I hear the other side hang up.