Goddamn. I hear the resonance of my broken heart vibrate through my voice as I slowly let go of everything that built my constitution. The taste of the alcohol in your breath should've given you away long before I gave it all a chance a again. I slowly decompose, my heart melting, the anger boiling within me and breaking me apart. I'm caught in a landslide. I slowly take a puff out of a cigarette - the only loyal lover who never trades lips. "Why do I give myself away?" I ask in vain; God has left me here, alone and tired, for time to consume me in my pain. I never thought I'd give into you again. I look into the night and slowly the stars immerse me in a clichéd nostalgia that brings me back to a night that isn't that long ago.
"What happens after this?" you ask, and I slowly wither inside of myself. What can I respond? "It's your call (Listen to me, I love you like you wouldn't believe, I can make you happy and you deserve better. Please give me your breath and lets cross smiles, at least for old time's sake) Honestly, it's all up to you..." My words always sound better in my head. Locked lips like sinking ships, tied up to an anchor that will never bring me back up to the surface. Comfort remains lying to me, telling me it's all just fine. The tears start to surround my heavy heart, as if to embrace the naive and starry-eyed fiasco that it has set me to. They know better, but I haven't ever.
"I miss you" I hear you say "not even this physical aspect, but everything in general" You don't need to lie to me, doll. I should know you better than to listen to anything you have to say. Four drinks down and my conscience takes a walk. (Be back in twenty) (I never needed you anyway) My heart palpitates and rushes on through, breaking my walk and slurring my speech. I stutter on through, trying to move everything, and all I can hear is my subconscious scream out to me the regret that will ever so bitterly embrace me. We're lost and confused. We're the worst kind of lovers. Deja vu all over again, doll.
breakmebreakmebreakme
I've been asked what's wrong with my brain, what's wrong with my heart. When will you realize that I only embrace the hurt, the excruciating sting that repeatedly brings me down, because the masochist in me knows that all you have left for me to love is your absence and your pain? You are tearing me apart. You are breaking me. I'm so overdramatic and lost and broken. Break me baby, I want to feel my heart break because I don't ever want to lose you or ever get rid of your scent (or your pain) you have twisted me and know all I feel is your dagger spinning in my stomach, twisting and turning and breaking everything I've ever known.
Fuck everything, I never know how to be me anymore.
"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel..."
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"Fuck everything, I never know how to be me anymore."
ReplyDeleteThis describes the darkest years of my life. You write from places I only wish I could be and you form the words in a beautiful, abstract way that I would kill to write in.
Goddamn. That first line is so powerful and simple and it just hit me hard. Such an non-descriptive yet telling word. Goddamn.
Your compliments leave me breathless. I'm not sure you'll understand how much they mean to me, just as much I'm sure that I'll never perceive my words the same way you do.
ReplyDeleteKnow that we both share the sentiments, however, and at least that way we'll never feel too alone.
Thank you, for keeping company albeit in such an unconventional way.
Goddamn.