Forever Ago

songbirds live to tell their dreams
nothing I can't do that my guitar won't sing
got transfers in my head
lost love
got lost ahead
friends in high (and low) places
and places with strangers for friends and
sing me a song baby,
but make it natural
flow through the youth and their disorders
they mess with my words.
the love of my life is in front of me
but my hands are too cold
(my feet are too)
to say this is bittersweet is a misunderstanding
to say i expected this would mean i'm not crying
sighing
i'm dying inside
it feels like winter is in my mind
(i'm heading home)
but if home is where the heart is
i've been home all along
place a final shot in my head
(like the ones i had in a dominican bed)
more beaches and less lights
and me and my guitar
it's all right
sing away songbird
fly free and sing in
don't let anyone let you know you're less than what you are
you're a star looking down at us in the gutters
stretching spare hands
heart broken like my knees
(falling down is so hard)
i need more drinks
i need to find my mind
(sometimes i just want it all to rewind)
baby teeth won't ever grow
we're a memory carved into stone
lay your feelings into the ground
don't let your tears make a sound

Xenthic

Every stage in your life is composed of your "big day" to serve as a rite of passage to move onto the next phase. The sharks and the thieves got me bent in the wrong way, but I'm finally seeing straight.

Graduation.

What will life ever mean to me once I'm let loose of the nest? Got birds ringing my ears like telephone lines that connect through all of us sending one deep message: it's over. Time passes by and we're slowly rising up to meet up the delicate women of destiny. I got smoke coming down my chest, my tired heart beating on looking on. "Life is what happens when you're busy doing other plans" Time slithered down my throat and spilt my guts onto the floor. I can't begin to describe the decomposition that my body is suffering. My hands shake, my voice cracks, my throat dries up, and ultimately, my heart weighs me down. Rush on through, break the mainframe. Baby girl got my head locked up in chains. Blue bird sinking into the sun. You're on my head like the tassel on the date of the end. 'Till everything tears us apart.

Break even and set off. Firework eyes crying away the remaining love. We were the last legacy to be left off in this deadbeat town. I can't promise to make any sense but to you and me and everyone involved. Overblown. Cryoplasty to my brain. Mr. Freeze lost his head. Signing up for a lease that will never cease. Fuck, I can't make words make sense any more than they do now that it's the end. The fear never matched up to this. Medication is all I need. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop(pa) loves me more than the new wave underground. "Wake up Mr. West" careful, don't awaken the rest. Thirty minutes to rest before the ceremony begins to end. Living life to the fullest, at least 'till the end. (I can) see the finish line. Nothing else matters but the rest.

Give and take and give and take and give. Never owning more than what it is. No words can begin and no silence and end. The limbo of the pain. Never asleep and never awake, my head is my own bed. My pen lost it's mind again. Cease and resist and built upon the achievements that we have missed. We're only the change. (Sarcasm needs it's own font in the web) Bled love and cried ink, stained my whole bed. It's a library of words and shapes, but now nothing else will ever matter the same. Fingertip strife. What key to type?
I'll be sleeping in a foreign bed for the rest of my life.

Xenthic.
No one understands us better than us.

"I guess this is my dissertation, homie this shit is basic. Welcome to graduation."

Good morning.

Hurt

Goddamn. I hear the resonance of my broken heart vibrate through my voice as I slowly let go of everything that built my constitution. The taste of the alcohol in your breath should've given you away long before I gave it all a chance a again. I slowly decompose, my heart melting, the anger boiling within me and breaking me apart. I'm caught in a landslide. I slowly take a puff out of a cigarette - the only loyal lover who never trades lips. "Why do I give myself away?" I ask in vain; God has left me here, alone and tired, for time to consume me in my pain. I never thought I'd give into you again. I look into the night and slowly the stars immerse me in a clichéd nostalgia that brings me back to a night that isn't that long ago.

"What happens after this?" you ask, and I slowly wither inside of myself. What can I respond? "It's your call (Listen to me, I love you like you wouldn't believe, I can make you happy and you deserve better. Please give me your breath and lets cross smiles, at least for old time's sake) Honestly, it's all up to you..." My words always sound better in my head. Locked lips like sinking ships, tied up to an anchor that will never bring me back up to the surface. Comfort remains lying to me, telling me it's all just fine. The tears start to surround my heavy heart, as if to embrace the naive and starry-eyed fiasco that it has set me to. They know better, but I haven't ever.

"I miss you" I hear you say "not even this physical aspect, but everything in general" You don't need to lie to me, doll. I should know you better than to listen to anything you have to say. Four drinks down and my conscience takes a walk. (Be back in twenty) (I never needed you anyway) My heart palpitates and rushes on through, breaking my walk and slurring my speech. I stutter on through, trying to move everything, and all I can hear is my subconscious scream out to me the regret that will ever so bitterly embrace me. We're lost and confused. We're the worst kind of lovers. Deja vu all over again, doll.

breakmebreakmebreakme

I've been asked what's wrong with my brain, what's wrong with my heart. When will you realize that I only embrace the hurt, the excruciating sting that repeatedly brings me down, because the masochist in me knows that all you have left for me to love is your absence and your pain? You are tearing me apart. You are breaking me. I'm so overdramatic and lost and broken. Break me baby, I want to feel my heart break because I don't ever want to lose you or ever get rid of your scent (or your pain) you have twisted me and know all I feel is your dagger spinning in my stomach, twisting and turning and breaking everything I've ever known.

Fuck everything, I never know how to be me anymore.

"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel..."

Illimani

Car-crash doors are the new suicide
slamming pieces half awake
caught mid-escape, trying to run away.
kisses in the lips of the so called "friends"
last time i checked
friends never locked up so well.
you got eyes wider than my screen
and lips softer than a summer day's breeze
love me harder than your hate could be
i want to die from the disease that you conceive
inside your head
every word i say
has already been said
past-tense love standard.
a million fireflies
and stickers in the sky
it's getting harder.
can you love me as much as the guy in your head?
can you ever remember or mean half the words you said?
i guess loving is truly harder done than said
i'm sick of staying awake planning revenge
and the high class cafe shop caught me underhand
your words are smoother than puppeteer's hands
crash mirror crash
i want a window to land on my hands
and break them all to death
so i can never type again.
every other word has you in it
and falling apart has never been so hard
big baby go get it, get what you came for
taking is a burden that i just didn't ask for.
lover forlorn
sicker than the nights in the altiplano are cold
(i always feel alone)
i seek out to the lake inside
the salt flats cleanse out my mind
this nation's got my hands all tied
to a world of judgement and prejudice around.
the mountain speaks to me
it lost its head
it lost it all, naturally
call me out, baby snow
tidal waves are never colder than cold
the giant standing in the row
we're the epitome of the loss love
and gain of lull.
giant escalation and proof of pain
proof that deception can only hide away
so much for a day
but that if persistence remains
things won't ever be the same
cause the top of the mountain
is the starting point, again.
your love is worse than the government they elect
a direction more corrupt than a small-time governor's bed
i'm sick off my tears
the salt spilt on my bed
sometimes i just want to disappear
and wake up on the other side instead.

"...Like there's nothing left"/Mixtapes

I was born diseased and undead
Got words crossing my head like tidal waves
I'm sickly composed of everything
that you ever wished not to dream
Blackjack lovers
"Only 21 and above"
Keeping it still
like a running mill
Don Quixote took the pills again
Fight it all
they can't stand it
they can't hide it
Got blood on my teeth
redefining poker face.
always looking for trouble in all the wrong places
well i finally got it right
speak to me by yourself
quoting you is always quoting somebody else

nightly blues
only bold times ahead.
I rip-off the copy cats
does that make me an original, instead?
nine lives later i'm just as lost
maybe time fell apart
maybe our lives are a loss
cracking skin and cracking glass
broken mirrors
bad luck spread across
the bed is the only place i feel safe
(i still smell your scent)
you left your hair in my pillowcase
and your make up smeared on my face
you whispered in my ear
"give it to me like there's nothing left"

snap my neck and don't give it back
blueandblackblueandblack
woke up feeling tired and alone
and fuck the sun
i'm tired of everyone
my tooth isn't the only thing that chipped
or snapped
(was that was your eyes blinking
or just the sound of a broken heart?)
the sequel to the start
ground zero for all the stars
leather love (tough as leather)
baby blossom lost her mind,
floating like a feather
fall apart baby girl
like the constitutions of my heart.
------------------------------------------
you're so high off the pain
you won't feel a thing
and you won't ever know
things can't ever be the same
so even when you sing
the words were carved in stone
maybe i'm supposed to love you
but nothing is ever for sure
(my voice is the only tone
that i want to be ringing in your ears
for the rest of your life)

explode supernova, and be blown
rise high above me
and quote your favorite songs.
just like you do
my chemical romance knows your feelings
better than you seem to
take back sunday and leave your confessional
in the dashboard, high above the pedestal
pierce the veil - i'm a sinking ship
brand new love
don't let anything else make a sound
"...sugar we're going down"
we're not all killer klowns (directing it all)
so leave it all around
lost and found, glaciers and isles
they were never mine
can we just lay in peace, and in time
i'll be as cinematic
as your favorite sunrise.

(Midnight blues. don't mind anything i put here. will probably revisit this nonsense and cut the crap. i'm too tired to move or press a key to change it all)

Behind the Sea

Regret is more of an aftertaste than an impact. The moment you let loose and realize what has changed in your atmosphere, that's when it kicks in. What's a worse pain than knowing it ended? The past is laminated and set behind bars of pain and longing. It's impossible to ever fix anything; it's only possible to make up for mistakes. I wonder if you ever spend half as much time as I do just thinking about everything that has come and go. Sooner than later, I'm gone and everything is turned into stone. Mark the days in the calendar with a kiss each - don't make me feel forgotten. Rise and fall. Rise and fall, baby. I'm broke from love, a crack in my empty shell. Diamond eyes and ruby lips embrace my heart, illuminating my every step into uncertainty and doubt. I lack zeal to live it through.

lovemelovemeloveme.

Can you hang onto the rope for me? I'm busy handling my other problems. "'Till death do us part" is kind of a ridiculous statement, isn't it? Life is already ripping me into pieces. I scribble words and carve them into trees. I camp away with the devil, and I live my life in past-tense. I've been half of what I've always been ever since. Remember how the cement screamed out your name? Let me in for one last time, and I gave away my heart (and my soul) on the back of your car. "That's enough" No, it isn't baby. No, it fucking isn't.

Admittedly, this isn't the way I should be reacting, but I live to see you illuminate your spotlight eyes and smile like a honeycomb falling in love. You're the sweetest of dreams, the vast landscape of a poet's love - the true meaning to "understatement." I hate how you make me feel. So much for "wonderwall" I only project my arrogance to hide from my shortcomings. I've had my heart broken more times than all the sunken anchors at the bottom of the sea. Why did I give myself away? Give me lighter, I need to light a path. I need to move past this, or forget it all together. Maybe if I let it loose. Maybe if I let loose.

"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand"

Encore

I pour my feelings out to the keys
your velvet lips caught my eye again
maybe I won't ever get past it
Got a thousand words in a flurry
and a moment lost in a blur
It's funny how it all works out
would you ever feel the same?
I'm a heartwreck after another
It's all in vain
I live to hear you say
that you love me and things will
be back to their old ways
but sometimes that's not enough
(when have we ever been enough?)
and all I got left is your lull
Project Mayhem on the runways
and a heart like the sun
I don't want to be a secondhand lover
when I was your first time flame
i want to lift you up like in dirty dancing
give me a moment
i'm moving back all i was advancing
soon it's all pain, and moreover
it's all crimson and clover
so now all that's left to do;
tell Baby when it's over
cause nobody puts Baby in a corner

(i still remember trying to rise you up.)

Timebaby

I turn on the speakers to get out of the zone. It's probably the only thing that's as comforting as your voice. I visualize purple hills keeping away the sun, something not quite as cinematic as it resonates in my head. I heard your voice the other day. It's good to know that deep inside of your skin, caught inside the landslide of you, you still believe - although you've pretty much given up on love and religion. Or maybe you're just afraid, and doubting everything affects you as your remain alone in your sickness. I want time to sink into the rearview mirror so things will always be closer than they appear. I'm always fast-forwarding through the motions so I avoid getting lost in the chemistry. What's worse - the fact that you destroyed my heart and I picked up, or that you regret it all and wish you could go back? Three weeks baby, that's all you'll ever have.
I never thought that it would all come down to four months. I slowly glance at the time to see that it has bailed out on me. Not even the minutes appreciate my stay. I'll be sleeping in a foreign bed for the rest of my life. Nothing tastes quite like home. Give me a lighter and I'll light the way. I'm a rocksteady paper plane. Cut me up with scissors.

Sooner than later, I'll learn not to love verbatim. I never received the memo that romance is dead- I thought we only kept it hidden from the mainstream audience. I slowly crawl out of bed and lay down the keyboard. It should never be this way. I subsist on words and you subsist on my tears. I hate knowing that you'll always drown out my fears. Why have I let you in? Speed up time, or black out the rest. I'm sick of experiencing this first hand. My family life is going down as classy as the Titanic. Give me an escape or just forward time. I don't want to relive. I have enough pain for a lifetime.

As Coldplay takes over the mix, I have nothing left to do but to listen to the grandiose nature of sounds surrounding me. I sink into December again. The cold air brushes my skin lightly and suddenly it all rains back to me- remember the rain and how the concrete called out your name? Nothing will ever be as sincere as the pain you hung over my head. Fuck poetics and fuck understanding. What did they ever get me? I'm sick with apprehension, and your eyes are a night sky on their own, mirages of the desert that lays past them. Paste your lips onto me. I want to die from you. Do you regret? "My nerves are poles that unfroze" but my heart is as cold as stone. "And if you love me, won't you let me know?" There's always a lack of honesty coming from confessions derived from the head. It's all about the heart. "I don't want to be a soldier who the captain of some sinking ship would stow, far below." I only want to be the anchor, so I can sink like all of my hopes. Listen baby, as the everlasting moment of time where your heart will tell you the truth that your head won't ever be bothered to believe. The burden you'll carry won't ever be as heavy as my heart. Take me apart. I want you to feel what it's like to get stuck in your head, where your thoughts speak louder than what's going on outside of it. I'm sick of being misled by your actions. I'm sick of playing games. Lights out and turn on the radio. The utopia lies within it. I'm a broken shell, covered in sand and laid out to be forgotten. Make a wish and throw me back into the sea. Horseshoes never meant a thing to me, 'cause "almost" never got me anything. Is it really a mixtape if all I have is one song? Is it ever really right when the whole world tells you you're wrong? Is it ever really love if you move on as fast as your hips? I listen ahead, the song repeats over and you come into mind.

"If you love me, won't you let me know?"
"If you love me, why'd you let me go?"

Like Tupac and Biggie

Full moon anchors up ahead
A well-lit love spread across the bed
Laying near with the thoughts in head
Better left than the words never said

Blackout and back into me
Sink into this
and fall down slowly
Blackout and back into me

Slow down and speed up ahead
Living open like a book unread
Are we coming undone, are we lost again?
Living death is easier than dying to live