It's going to be hard to admit this, but sometimes words come out better written than spoken. I have this bad habit of always thinking I'm right. I try my hardest to sound smart, when in reality, I'm not at all. It's like I'm always trying to impress people. And then, I always treat people the best when we're merely friends. I always take a mindless blow to those I really love without any consideration. I'm not real. I'm just fake. Just like everyone else I hated. Always trying to argue, I've become the opposing team - always. I'm fighting those I love, pushing them away wearing my fake masks to please those around me. But even when I know that, how come I can't change? I want to be real. I want to be genuine. I want more than just a "suck it up and grow up" - I need a manual for this kind of life, but I guess they're never handed to us anyway. Things like these are taken seriously only by people like us. I'm not as wonderful as I'm made out to be; a child prodigy turned into a waste. I'm the spun out waste of my life's hopes. I can't get things right. I'm such a great liar that I can even convince myself. Have I gotten used to eating so much bullshit that I've just forgotten the rotten taste? I'm the world's greatest deceiver. I'm the world's greatest disappointment. I am just me.
There's nothing good coming out of this. Happiness subsides in my presence. I'm great at convincing people I'm great. I can't help it cause I love the attention. I'm just the flutter of a hummingbird's wings. I'm the last domino standing, tipping over the edge of everything I've built in my life. Sometimes I feel like I should leave this world with a bang, but I'm not even worthy. I just need to find someplace to hang on to, forever. I am so sorry to everyone, but no one believes me. You know you're a disaster when everyone knows you as Mr. Hyde and doubts you as Dr. Jekyll. I want to apologize but "sorry" just isn't enough. I need something new, deserving of those I love, those around me. There's no rockbottom in life until death, but I'm pretty damn close. I'm sick of corrupting everything around me.
I guess the bottom line is: I don't deserve anything I have.
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If you want to be real, be real. It's the holidays now, so it's the perfect time to adapt and adjust. No one here judges you, so you don't ever have to worry about that. We're all kind of down on different things but we'll all make it.
ReplyDeleteI always hated the holidays. Things always get worse during this time.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comments, though. Makes me feel less alone. Thank you.
i think that being this disgusted with yourself is sometimes what it takes to finally start seeing your good side.
ReplyDeleteand believe me, i know all about wasting your potential. but the thing is, at some point you gotta stop and say, "am i wasting away because i want to or because i'm afraid of fucking everything else up?"
as strange as it seems, coming from me, nothing is as bad as it seems at first. sometimes you need a night of good music and good company to remember that there are beautiful things in this life, and you are one of them.
don't be afraid of who you are. and don't run away from happiness.