I just can't find the words to begin to relay this haunting thought that's been ping-ponging in my head with anger and anxiety. Compressed memories and my own interpretation of words are absolutely destroying me from the inside out beginning with my heart. I've been drinking crocodile tears to sleep for a while now. It all begins in my head, raging inside and calling out. Laying under moonlight gives me an awkward sour taste. I used to have bravado at some point, but it's all the same; it's like the worst in me and you comes out in the worst possible ways. Why do these relationships fall apart? Is it my fault? I'd take back anything to have your embrace, fully, completely in the garage of a stranger's house "catching up" or so how they'd claim. Bring back the house parties, bring back the booze, bring back the memories that this town used to give to me. It's not the same. It's like I've grown (down) and everyone's the same. Not even I'm satisfied. Maybe I'm just afraid I'm everyone's pity fuck. I was laying with leaky eyes on a bar counter with salt on the small of my hand, begging for another shot (at you) and now I'm just laying on this keyboard begging for another shot (for him). What's this holiday cheer? Remember it's the summer in the southern hemisphere. No hot chocolate for me - I'm drinking half assed lemonades begging to be real. I'm worse off than you think. It's not kiss me kiss me kiss me as much as heal me heal me heal me. Broken cords and sunken nooses. I don't want this to be one of those "poor him" kind of things. I want it to be real. It feels like Xx again.
I need to get it out. I've been too far away from the crowd. I need the life again. I need the music. I need the words. I either release everything or I'm just going to die with the blood in my mouth. I need you to know how much I need you. I need you to tell me you need me, too. Tell me you need me. Tell me you love me. I'm so lonely without you.
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there is so much pain in this, so much desperation and longing, that i'm at a loss as to what to say, except i know.
ReplyDeletejust remember kid, that nothing is forever, even the things we want to be. it might be hopeless, but it's hopeful, too, because that means the bad can never last as long as we do.
smile, and pretend you mean it, and someday, you will. the person that let you go will think of you and know that they can never replace what they lost.
It's funny how things work out with love, and how truly nothing is forever - in a moment everything can change and suddenly my breaths don't seem to be so heavy.
ReplyDeleteSmiling gets easy nowadays, and reading this was very appreciated. Your understanding helps me keep my blood flowing. I mean it now, and it's like the world sparkles a brighter hue lately. I'm always floating. I'm in love.