Where does the fault begin - with the cause or the effect? I try sleep with one ear against the pillow and my hand on the other. They say you don't want to sleep because reality is better than your dreams, but why can't I sleep now that I hate the life I lead? I see hands treading across skin like sand, slipping away into each other's shoreline, deep into the world's largest ocean of doubt. I'm following a thread into a spiraling turnstile locked before I'm allowed through. I'm cutting deep into your wounds, laying slits of salt with every kiss I lay on your body. How does a guilty conscience taste? There are currents in the ocean with more consistency than you.
My mind is my life's oyster. Preserve the distress and preserve broken hearts. Keep me high in my head. Let's stay medicated in our fucked up cauterized hearts as we smoke out the fog. Breathe in and breathe out. This is only the symphony my words created in your head. You're lying in the pain, bathed in every dragged out cigarette puff that your tender lips roll out. How does your conformity lay in the constant emotions as opposed to the carnal pleasures that reside in your lust? I hate myself more than anyone else because I just can't let go. Why can't I let go? Let's start over.
Let's start over.
Start.
Over.
"I may have your heart, but he has your body"
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starting over is harder than it should be. mainly because no matter how hard you try, you can't run away from yourself. besides, whenever i say "i want to start over" i usually mean "i want to go back"-- maybe you mean that, too?
ReplyDeletethe end quote was funny, in an ironic sort of way. isn't it sad that sometimes, we'd rather have somebody's body than their soul? heartache is a lot harder to rid yourself of than VD. cynical, but true.
hope you learn to love your life again soon, kid. hating where you're at is just more motivation to move on. at least, that's what i tell myself those days when i just want to hide under the covers forever.
It's one of those things that's so much easier said than done.. I always tell myself that I'll move on, but it's like I never manage to. I always fall back. It's hard. It's like every time I remember better times and how bad things get, it just eats at me from inside.
ReplyDeleteThanks, though. I appreciate knowing someone there understands the overflowing of feelings that I get caught up on.
I feel terrible, fragile, and vulnerable. I think you do too and I think I'm ready to write again.
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