Baby, baby.

Relapse.

That's just all that I can say right now. I slowly wither inside. I've gone on and on and backwards and I always wind up turning in circles and going back to memories of you. I wonder if you spend your time rotting inside like I do. Your breath caressing my ears while your voice slowly sighs and moans into mine, whispering something gentle and tender. "I love you" I can still vividly remember everything, even though I'm sure these two years have really taken a toll on your memory. Oh baby. "No denying, you're the habit that I can't quit" Right now everything screams of you, which is off considering that I haven't seen anything in that way since it hurt. Oh first love does hurt, it really does. Three years, baby, three years.

It's really hard to say where and when it all started, but the first official contact of everything is what I remember. When I saw you, I swear that I saw angel come into the room. Eraser shavings covered my desk, and it's all childish how I remember, but then again it really must have been even more childish than what I recall. I remember how it all just happened so quickly, and three weeks later, you had to leave. Despite our age you asked me "What about us?" Well, what about us? We were young and shy and free, and in sixth grade. What about us? I can tell you that the year after that was horribly lonely considering how you never did anything wrong. That's the issue with crushes, when something unexpected ends the connection, you begin to idealize everything in your head. Every aspect is so much better than you remember. Hair looks finer, eyes look wider, faces smoother. Everything. I began to accept this and you came back two years later. I swear you were an angel. I never saw anyone as pretty as you.

September 1st is when it all began "officially" right? I never told you this, but this is as early as I really begin to remember. Not that I don't remember any earlier than that, I just choose not to. I never felt any purpose or drive until I had you. The pain of it is that I just never got comfortable. You were the girl every guy wanted to be with. Why did you choose me? I don't think even you know this answer, but it is what it is. Nevertheless, excitement was pouring through my veins, like some sort of epiphany crashing into my heart telling it to just hold on and never let anything get in the way. September 8th is when it all really began. I remember sitting to your left, with your head laying on my shoulder. I would always get worried you weren't comfortable and I'd wish that my bones were so much softer so you'd be happy with me. I had tried to rehearse this in my mind a million times but I would have never predicted things turn out the way I did. Our smiles crossed and I never felt so ascending in my life. My blood began to rush and my legs began to shake uncontrollably. My chest was pounding on through, I swear everyone around could feel the trembling of my heart. My head began to soar and that is when I lost my mind. I know at that point that I had never in my life ever felt that way before. We called it "the feeling," but now I know what it really was. It was love.

What we lived through nobody can take away, no matter how much time passes by or how many people will come into our lives. The next three years were most definitely some of the most memorable years in my life, to say the least. This is only the beginning that I am remembering and my heart begins to sink in memory of a love I once knew and taste so well, but now have lost trace of. Why is it that I always begin to remember you when I miss home? Memories of little deaths in the living room. Bedroom floor love, and carpet burn kisses. I don't know if it's me or just my fear to say it, but I always know that every chance I get, I remind you. I love you baby, I love you. I'm sorry for how everything turned out. Remember what you would say to me baby, remember what you would say when I'd ask you

"Will you still love me in the morning?"

"Turn down the lights. Turn down the bed."

Cross your brain and pray for rain. The city came down today.

My stomach turns and my voice cracks and I damn the distance set between us. Only the keys and the tubes connect us now, for if these were different circumstances I'd lose every aspect of you. At least I get to hear your voice, but phone calls don't take the heart home. Imagine yourself on the cab rides, holding hands and intertwining in a viciously rewarding attempt for replacement, but lust can't cover what the heart once fulfilled. That void made can't ever be filled, or at least that's what I've learned through my short years. Granted my age is young, but my pain is large and this keyboard has had a shoulder for me to cry on more times than I'd like to admit.

This was only for your fairy tales.

Hell, I love nothing. Dropped an arm and faced away from the sun. I'd like to die alone to avoid all these lonely colds. Winter love embraced me and left me. Wide-eyed browns had their eye on me and let me go. Carpet burns only last for so long. We're blessed for a second and then we're only hoping for the lurking scent of my dying rain. I was going away for the last time to come back for the first time. Rings on my eyes and a hole in my chest. I'm dying and unsent. Cherish, and sing me to sleep. "I am alone in my defeat." These airways and planes have no understanding or care for pain. Cannonball into the unknown.

I'm sticking onto you, like an ice cube to a tongue. These are all the words that you wish you sung. Life was only ready to begin. Anxiety dying onto me. Joy is so hard to reach when you're an airplane away from the ocean that your tears have made. I'll swim if there is no other way. I miss you more when I see the sunset because I can imagine the tease that the moon must feel; finally getting a simple peek of the sun before it disappears again. I don't ever want you to disappear again. Holding on gets harder when the distance is stretched into the horizon. "I'd follow you into the end of the world, my love"

Falling in pain again. The porcelain skin laid out on the counter like a clock that has the time wrong. Timing is everything, that's something that one must learn. The time tricked us. This distance split us. Now my heart is stretching miles of distance to get an answer. I don't have my mountains anymore. These plateaus are as shallow as a bed.

(Pilot, pilot, please help me, I think I left my heart on the other side again...)