I hate the feeling of acceptance. I hate knowing that I'm not as happy as I've been pretending. The damage is done, but the police lines haven't been wrapped around me yet. The hospital doors flap like the wings of a dove begging for release. I want to feel real again. I'm sick of this.
I hate knowing I've been painting faces on myself during the past weeks for the sake of saving face. I've been lying to myself for so long and now it's coming back to haunt me. What's the biggest pain in life? The absence of feeling real, or the real pain itself? Royal love and true pain. I'm coming up with a lack of wordplay because I just don't know what to do anymore. God never gave me a manual to handle this life. I never knew it'd be so hard. Where is the restart button? Is it next to the shut down button, or maybe they are the same. There's something about writing words that always made me feel better, but now I feel the desire the burn it down. "it's better to burn out than to fade away"
Someone give me something real, or light me the way. I need a savior. I need help. This is me sending smoke signals into the air begging for something.
I want to feel real. I want to live. Give me the cure.
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Pretty sure that was a Kurt Cobain quote. We are all pretending to be happier than we really are, no? We shouldn't, but that's the way it goes. You should've seen me at dinner. I smiled like a fool. It hurts either way.
ReplyDeleteI'd give you the cure if I knew what it was. In the meantime, we'll just keep fighting the good fight. Because sometimes something great will happen, and it won't last forever, but it'll be worth more than the world.
Kurt Cobain originally quoted it from Neil Young, but you are correct. The quote was a reference to Cobain's suicide note.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the sentiment, and I wish I could find a cure for all of us, too. I don't think I'd like to see you fake a smile knowing it's not genuine. The real pleasure comes from the real feelings themselves.
Someday we'll all be OK, but until then I'll just keep on building and refusing to be afraid to feel what I feel, something that I've been doing recently.
you guys are sure as hell both smarter and more mature than i was at your age, so it's difficult for me to contribute anything worthwhile to this conversation.
ReplyDeletei think, though, that sometimes faking your feelings and saving face is necessary, because it makes you realize that your pain is better than falsified pleasure. nobody wants to go through anesthetized. strange how we wish our emotions away and then come to understand it's better to be human than to be nothingness. i dunno if any of that even made sense to you. in summary, i suppose- i get what you're saying, and i've been there, and you're gonna be ok. not always, and not forever, but for periods of time, as jac said, you'll be ok, and those moments will make it worth the rest.
and there is a savior out there, kid. not to get all religious on you or anything, just- he's out there. look him up sometimes. lord knows it won't fix everything, but you'd be surprised how it can occasionally put it into perspective.
above all, keep writing. because you convey so much with your words.