If I had a choice, I'd glisten brighter than the stars in the sky. You would notice me and I would not fall apart. I guess my theories have always been true, no one can ever truly love me. My wonder leaves me behind and I just become the broken vessel of what once was. I'd die to shaken your world one last time. Rip apart the wonders of time and collapse into your arms again. We're nothing but images painted on the wall, omens for the end of the world. You were my world.
There's nothing in this moment that can numb me and tear me apart. We're living in the cycle of the misery that is called life. Losing our memory seems like the only solution, and Montauk awaits only for those that believe in second chances. My words are twisted and my mind is lost. My fingers are blistered and my brain is gone. Do you believe that time is better left alone? The only moment we're ever in love is when we go back in time. I don't think that makes any sense at all.
Is true love any real? I sit and wonder, and think if you're thinking about that too. Maybe it's only that the time was wrong. I'd understand that we're far too young, especially you, but I believed that there was no time for love. It just came, saw, and conquered. We were all doomed to fall, but now it just doesn't seem as clear as it once was. True love exists only in dreams.
The nicotine basted around my lungs, trying to find any way to damage me more. Why do I do this to myself? It seems like the only way I ever think is "Go big or go home." If i'm going to hurt, I'm going to truly hurt, and I want to be scarred. I don't ever want to forget. These scars are my tattoos, the common memory that haunts me every day and reminds me. My wrists will depict the moment of weakness that came, but the strength that it suggests. If they are here, then I must be too. I want to hurt. I want to bleed. I want to damage myself to the point that I will react. For some reason, my boiling point never comes.
You are all I write about, and I can't stand to spend another single second thinking about you. This is decomposing me and laying my guts out for all the vultures. I'm twisting and turning, and my mind feels bleak. Am I really this alone and tired? I have always been a nocturnal creature, but my lack of sleep is finally getting the best of me. Do you believe that we're all to blame? I fell apart to the same game.
This is the effect of the cause. This is what I receive for not knowing better and for falling apart. I will never let anyone in again. Everyone just gets bored. I'm great at first, but then they feel bored and trapped, and notice my every flaw. I don't know why I ever let anything begin when I know better.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Last Night
I'm wrapped in the mediocrity you left me with. I never thought I'd reach the point of bleakness as I did last night. My tears were only held back by the slow, stroke of the nicotine against my lungs. The absence of your fingers slowly caressing my skin left me empty. Do you realize that we're only falling down a horrible hole of deception? Maybe I'm too open; too emotional. Maybe these are the words that I should've just left out from the start.
It's over. It has been over since you whispered to me you weren't in love with me anymore. I've been drinking my own wishful thinking like it was some beautiful dream, when it was just poison. My high hopes were so deep in me that I didn't truly notice them until last night. Maybe some day, but we don't have much time. All hope has crashed from the sky, and the only relief is knowing that these white and black keys will still sound the same, no matter how long I will be hurting. I'll be alone drowning out like I've always been. It's strange to see myself exactly in the same position I was a year ago. You healed me. You were my cure. You are now my poison.
Chaos ensues inside my mind. I'll see you walk by, I'll smile, and you'll not even look at me. I'm not sure I can face you tomorrow after last night. I feel weak and dull. Your face shining with pride, knowing some tears have been shed for you. Your walk will be filled with poise and grace, while I'll regret my lack of strength and self-respect.
And I miss you. I miss your calls, I miss your voice. I miss your lips. I miss how out hands would intertwine like shy second graders, loving but immature. I miss you letting me know you missed me, five minutes after I was gone. How did your feelings change so fast? We're like speeding cars on a one way drive. I used to be the one you wished for, but now you've changed your mind. Your confusion spreads it's legs around my brain, opening up and closing me in. You don't want me out, but don't want me in. You don't love me, but you do. You want me to keep talking to you, but you ignore me.
You have me wrapped around your finger, like a ring made out of solid gold. You know I'm here, I'm now, and I'm ready*, but I can't allow that anymore. Last night changed everything. Boys don't cry. I can't let myself be brought down by you again.
"Be careful" I told you I'd be careful, but you know that I'm a masochist. You know I'm a monster. You know I'm reckless and lonely. I'm the loneliest boy you will ever find.
Pour out of my lungs. Rip my heart out of my chest and leave it empty. I am always so available. My heart will be a grenade. My love will be a weapon. It will destroy you and your dreams. I hope you fall asleep tonight and you think of me, and then think of my absence. ________, this is over. I will not spread my guts out for you anymore.
This is raw, and lacking in the poetics area, but it doesn't matter. I can't let this in my heart anymore. The poet you loved, the recycled heart of waste and drowned love, will never let you in again. I've let loose and come to terms. I must now be myself, alone, without you. As hard as it is, I still see your back hugging me in the mirror. It's time to let it out. Time to dance the solo.
Tonight, we fall apart. Tonight, in black and white, you will break the boundaries and leave. You have fixed me, but have torn me down. I can't let myself be wrapped by your tricks anymore.
__________, I can't let you destroy me anymore.
*"I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready" is taken from "23" by Jimmy Eat World
It's over. It has been over since you whispered to me you weren't in love with me anymore. I've been drinking my own wishful thinking like it was some beautiful dream, when it was just poison. My high hopes were so deep in me that I didn't truly notice them until last night. Maybe some day, but we don't have much time. All hope has crashed from the sky, and the only relief is knowing that these white and black keys will still sound the same, no matter how long I will be hurting. I'll be alone drowning out like I've always been. It's strange to see myself exactly in the same position I was a year ago. You healed me. You were my cure. You are now my poison.
Chaos ensues inside my mind. I'll see you walk by, I'll smile, and you'll not even look at me. I'm not sure I can face you tomorrow after last night. I feel weak and dull. Your face shining with pride, knowing some tears have been shed for you. Your walk will be filled with poise and grace, while I'll regret my lack of strength and self-respect.
And I miss you. I miss your calls, I miss your voice. I miss your lips. I miss how out hands would intertwine like shy second graders, loving but immature. I miss you letting me know you missed me, five minutes after I was gone. How did your feelings change so fast? We're like speeding cars on a one way drive. I used to be the one you wished for, but now you've changed your mind. Your confusion spreads it's legs around my brain, opening up and closing me in. You don't want me out, but don't want me in. You don't love me, but you do. You want me to keep talking to you, but you ignore me.
You have me wrapped around your finger, like a ring made out of solid gold. You know I'm here, I'm now, and I'm ready*, but I can't allow that anymore. Last night changed everything. Boys don't cry. I can't let myself be brought down by you again.
"Be careful" I told you I'd be careful, but you know that I'm a masochist. You know I'm a monster. You know I'm reckless and lonely. I'm the loneliest boy you will ever find.
Pour out of my lungs. Rip my heart out of my chest and leave it empty. I am always so available. My heart will be a grenade. My love will be a weapon. It will destroy you and your dreams. I hope you fall asleep tonight and you think of me, and then think of my absence. ________, this is over. I will not spread my guts out for you anymore.
This is raw, and lacking in the poetics area, but it doesn't matter. I can't let this in my heart anymore. The poet you loved, the recycled heart of waste and drowned love, will never let you in again. I've let loose and come to terms. I must now be myself, alone, without you. As hard as it is, I still see your back hugging me in the mirror. It's time to let it out. Time to dance the solo.
Tonight, we fall apart. Tonight, in black and white, you will break the boundaries and leave. You have fixed me, but have torn me down. I can't let myself be wrapped by your tricks anymore.
__________, I can't let you destroy me anymore.
*"I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready" is taken from "23" by Jimmy Eat World
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Xx
I’m falling apart and crawling through the ceiling of your dreams. I’m just waste and gone, a minimal loss to you and your dreams. Do you realize that we’re never the same? We fall apart to the different perspectives. I never felt like I had an absence of words for these emotions before. It’s all in my head; your hands down my spine, your words slithering into my ears. Your hands wrapped in mine, forever. A second meant a lifetime, and now a lifetime is gone forever. You can write me off or keep me down, but I’m gone in a moment and now it’s all lost. These are the words that are forever lost in the tubes, the ones you’ll never find, the ones that are meant for you and only you. These moments are only temporary and soon they’re just a memory. They all bank away into your head like the cumulative amount of senseless and meaningless thoughts. I’m a tax collector waiting for you to pay your dues. Senseless and emotionless, caught in a parade for the celebration of a freedom. We all fall back down, but this is the moment of your dreams.
You never felt as alive as you do right now.
I hope you know that I’m here moving forward, but the memories sting. When I think it’s finally over, you come back like the transitions in my head. Colors changing shapes, moons pasted on the sky like stickers, and the stars are all just a million fireflies. We’ll be forever locked in this cell, the one you keep, the one you made. The one you dug yourself in. Do you realize what you have done? Unleashed the loneliness upon my heart. Stray yourself afar from my dreams, the loneliest haven leading from my seams. Miss me and fall apart. I feel like my chest is pumping out every little thing that’s left from you. Letting you out and falling apart. I should’ve never let you in from the start.
Relapse and relapse and relapse and restart. Reboot and reconfigure. Restart the syntax of my heart. The constitutions I swore never to fall apart. We’re damned and confused. We’re lost and used. We’re sinking ships on the horizon, beyond the naked eye. Look closely and you’ll see a waving flag. We’re the worst kinds of lovers. The ones that feel like friends. The ones that never reveal affection, and the ones that are fickle like your brain. Compulsive, and confusing. You’re the end of the rope. Something that I will never completely grasp, but that’s just fine. When life falls apart, all we have left is a couple miles in our head from the past. I’ll move on, but for now I’m mourning. Mourning for the loss of love, but only from one part. How sad is it to be the one that is loved less? We’re just the mirror reflection of each other. Silhouettes in the dark, revealing each other’s cracks and scars. You left fingers prints all over my heart, like the footsteps taking you outside. We’re the last falling star from the sky. The final call. Curtain call. Cue in the claps, or lack thereof.
Shedding sweat on the backseat for last time’s sake. “That’s enough” but never enough for the rest. Memory is timeless, and the camera of my mind will forever hold that image against my heart. Call it a night and respond in the morning. These are the words in your brain. The words that are unsaid. The moments left unspoken. The time wrapped on your head. This will be your noose, the everlasting moment where everything changed forever. We’re not one. We’re not all. This was everything. This is nothing.
You never felt as alive as you do right now.
I hope you know that I’m here moving forward, but the memories sting. When I think it’s finally over, you come back like the transitions in my head. Colors changing shapes, moons pasted on the sky like stickers, and the stars are all just a million fireflies. We’ll be forever locked in this cell, the one you keep, the one you made. The one you dug yourself in. Do you realize what you have done? Unleashed the loneliness upon my heart. Stray yourself afar from my dreams, the loneliest haven leading from my seams. Miss me and fall apart. I feel like my chest is pumping out every little thing that’s left from you. Letting you out and falling apart. I should’ve never let you in from the start.
Relapse and relapse and relapse and restart. Reboot and reconfigure. Restart the syntax of my heart. The constitutions I swore never to fall apart. We’re damned and confused. We’re lost and used. We’re sinking ships on the horizon, beyond the naked eye. Look closely and you’ll see a waving flag. We’re the worst kinds of lovers. The ones that feel like friends. The ones that never reveal affection, and the ones that are fickle like your brain. Compulsive, and confusing. You’re the end of the rope. Something that I will never completely grasp, but that’s just fine. When life falls apart, all we have left is a couple miles in our head from the past. I’ll move on, but for now I’m mourning. Mourning for the loss of love, but only from one part. How sad is it to be the one that is loved less? We’re just the mirror reflection of each other. Silhouettes in the dark, revealing each other’s cracks and scars. You left fingers prints all over my heart, like the footsteps taking you outside. We’re the last falling star from the sky. The final call. Curtain call. Cue in the claps, or lack thereof.
Shedding sweat on the backseat for last time’s sake. “That’s enough” but never enough for the rest. Memory is timeless, and the camera of my mind will forever hold that image against my heart. Call it a night and respond in the morning. These are the words in your brain. The words that are unsaid. The moments left unspoken. The time wrapped on your head. This will be your noose, the everlasting moment where everything changed forever. We’re not one. We’re not all. This was everything. This is nothing.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Down.
I got stuck on the lines in your head finding my way back into your bed. Your melody doesn’t sound as sweet when you back out from feelings you already exposed. Fall out and climb your way out, I’ll be stuck here for only so long. Fall apart and crawl away, you cracked me inside and so everything fell apart. It’s raining inside my chest and I just want to feel loved. Don’t give me sympathy and give me a moment to breathe. I think I’ll be OK. In times like these we tend to give away our poise and composure to win back something that was never ours. Letting go is part of the process, and soon enough I’ll be gone as well. I’ll be claiming my own miserable cell and sooner, I’ll be out of this hell hole. Time heals all wounds, but it won’t ever get rid of the scars your hands rested on my heart. Slip away from my memories and slip away from my hand. You’re only happy when I hold you, and I’m only happy when I’m loved. Take your time and move away, go to another state and you’ll be OK. I need you to be fine because above it all, more than what I want you, I want you to be fine.
I’ve given myself up far too easily, and I’ll dedicate myself with my pen. Give away and never take back, time is just far too easily controlled for me to set the span. You’re the star, baby, and I swear I’ll give up Heaven to implode for you. Watch the stars spell out your names, and watch the neon lights pour into me. I want to break in the worst possible way. I want to fall apart and start again. I want to give in and out of the back of your car. Give me your lips and I’ll give you my heart. Let me fall apart when you say “That’s enough” and the rain will pour into you, but you’ll never get rid of the taste of my kisses ever. This second lasts forever. You’re my roman candle heart, and you will set off just soon enough.
I’ve given myself up far too easily, and I’ll dedicate myself with my pen. Give away and never take back, time is just far too easily controlled for me to set the span. You’re the star, baby, and I swear I’ll give up Heaven to implode for you. Watch the stars spell out your names, and watch the neon lights pour into me. I want to break in the worst possible way. I want to fall apart and start again. I want to give in and out of the back of your car. Give me your lips and I’ll give you my heart. Let me fall apart when you say “That’s enough” and the rain will pour into you, but you’ll never get rid of the taste of my kisses ever. This second lasts forever. You’re my roman candle heart, and you will set off just soon enough.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Sink
I’m getting lost again
in that feeling in your gut
when your pain and gain seem the same.
I’m getting too caught up
in this mess of a game in your head
the look in your eyes makes me insane
If I had a chance to revisit the past, I’d take it all
I’d live it just the same, but with a little more concern
for the truth in voice.
You’re far too confused to let me in
and if my words are not enough
I’m not sure my heart is.
Feeling far too blue to keep this summer mood.
When did love and pain meet on the same side of the moon?
Don’t you think I’m far too caught up to try and change?
When your words ring in my ears more than the bass overtones
and your look digs deeper than the scalpel that I’ll hold.
I’m lost in my absence of words. Things will never be the same, maybe I’m to blame, but we’re falling to the same game. Take these things a day at a time, except of course when your time is running out and is flying by. If you thought it once, think again. The words will create the image for you inside your head. I’m lost and found again. Take my heart and it’ll do the same. You’re the engine in my train. The stars spell out your name. Blue pill, red pill- it’s all the same. Take one to live in bliss, the other will put you with the truth and its pain.
Forevermore in the lost case of my brain. My heart and my head will never agree, maybe I’m just not sane? I’ve got a colossal wound the size of your head. It’s right in my heart, in my central mainframe. I’m haywire, gone loose. Hung my love on your heart’s noose. Your wide eyes will be the pond of my dreams, the loss of my words, the pain in my sleep. I’ll sink and swim. Sink and swim. Sink and swim. Underwater love, that’s what it is.
in that feeling in your gut
when your pain and gain seem the same.
I’m getting too caught up
in this mess of a game in your head
the look in your eyes makes me insane
If I had a chance to revisit the past, I’d take it all
I’d live it just the same, but with a little more concern
for the truth in voice.
You’re far too confused to let me in
and if my words are not enough
I’m not sure my heart is.
Feeling far too blue to keep this summer mood.
When did love and pain meet on the same side of the moon?
Don’t you think I’m far too caught up to try and change?
When your words ring in my ears more than the bass overtones
and your look digs deeper than the scalpel that I’ll hold.
I’m lost in my absence of words. Things will never be the same, maybe I’m to blame, but we’re falling to the same game. Take these things a day at a time, except of course when your time is running out and is flying by. If you thought it once, think again. The words will create the image for you inside your head. I’m lost and found again. Take my heart and it’ll do the same. You’re the engine in my train. The stars spell out your name. Blue pill, red pill- it’s all the same. Take one to live in bliss, the other will put you with the truth and its pain.
Forevermore in the lost case of my brain. My heart and my head will never agree, maybe I’m just not sane? I’ve got a colossal wound the size of your head. It’s right in my heart, in my central mainframe. I’m haywire, gone loose. Hung my love on your heart’s noose. Your wide eyes will be the pond of my dreams, the loss of my words, the pain in my sleep. I’ll sink and swim. Sink and swim. Sink and swim. Underwater love, that’s what it is.
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